Pleasure in Pain

I don't understand how anyone could get off on the pain they cause someone else. Facebook has turned into a dirty trap for bashing others and people love it. I have not only had a Facebook page made about in the past but I have seen it happen countless times to others, or people passing around some juicy gossip or slandering someones' name all over face book- simply thinking it to be funny. I don't get it. How can anyone be okay with purposely hurting others? How would they feel if someone ever did such a thing to them?

All I know is that it's hateful and far from funny and I don't want to associate myself with anyone who could be so mean.... even people you never suspect to do such a thing think its funny to ruin someones' name. This is yet another reason I wish I could get rid of my FB boredom addiction and just delete it. This is yet another reason I stay to myself... You can't trust anyone anymore- especially not if they are associated with the military. I just don't get it. And even though this isn't about me, for it to happen to anyone hurts me because I've been in that situation before. It's not fun- it hurts! From now on, when I see such things- Delete is what is going to happen to each and every single person involved!

Sorry that I have been slacking on blogging, even for my photo challenge. It's really hard to think straight enough to blog with the pain I have been in because of my neck. The meds they gave me don't really help much so I'm trying my hardest to function during the pain. I've actually been lucky enough to have a full 36 hours with MINIMAL PAIN! It's been very nice.

I drove to Fort Benning Friday to go pick up my princess- she spent the week with my aunt and uncle [who are her Godparents]. She really was sad to leave, which is usual for her. Being two, she doesn't fully understand how she feels. She wants to go back home but she doesn't want to leave. She misses them so much when she's not around them. I wish that I could make that ache for her family go away- it's one of the reasons I hate the military life so much. Everyone she has loved and clung to has left, her daddy, her grandma, her godparents, some of my close friends. She's gotten attached to all of them and they sort of got ripped from her, and I can't imagine what she is feeling at only 2 1/2 years old.

The drive was hard on me. It really put me in a lot of pain- one because I REALLY REALLY hate driving since the wreck I got into when I was 34 weeks pregnant- two because people in Georgia drive like they are drunk 90% of the time- three simply because 5 hours one way seems to take its toll on my body. Regardless of the pain though, it was amazing to see my family as usual.

Before I left, my uncle checked my tires PSI because before we left Fort Hell Rob hit a big pothole filled with water inside the gate near our house and completely bent the rim in and ever since the air has slowly seemed to lose air. He had it up to 41 PSI [it had been at like 34] and by the time I had gotten home it was down to 38 PSI. We've been keeping an eye on it and it hasn't lost anymore air but I really am afraid I will have to wait until we get our taxes back in order to take my trip up to see the family. If Rob would be coming with me, it would be one thing but just Caylee & I on that long drive with a tire that isn't perfect is just scary to me! Hopefully we get our taxes back next week like they said!!! WE CAN HOPE RIGHT!

Hope everyone is having a good week!!

100th POST & an UPDATE

100 posts in a little over a year... can we say SLACKER lol. but hey 100 is a big number! Thanks to all my followers and hello to my recently added followers. Your advice and support really are amazing!

As for me, I'm sure you've noticed that aside from the 31 day photo challenge, I have not blogged much at all. Well here is why:

As most of you know, I began getting headaches nearly everyday about 4 months ago. I went to my PCM on post and she prescribed me with Topamax in order to get the migraine aspect under control. I did well for a while and then about a month and a half ago, I start getting severe pain in my neck that causes me to have headaches [from neck up the back of my head] EVERY SINGLE DAY! I continuously tried to make an appt never having any luck [seeing that the whole division is pretty much back now]. I was in the ER about a month ago where I was given a few days worth of muscle relaxers, which worked wonders--- for a few days.

The headaches continued, then yesterday my neck began hurting so bad that I couldn't even turn my head. I went into the ER to be told what I already knew- I am having severe CHRONIC tension headaches [tension headaches that occur around the same time every day]. I was given a shot of Toradol and Adavan and prescribed Naproxen [an anti-inflammatory] and Flexoril [a muscle relaxor]. Today I was lucky enough to get an appointment with a doctor in the Family Practice Clinic [not my PCM but at this point ANYONE will do]. She felt my neck and was immediately concerned seeing as it is one HUGE BULGE. My spine was extremely tender at her touch and she could hardly even turn my neck from side to side. She immediately had me do an XRAY to determine whether or not I have anything wrong with my spine and I have to go back on the 2nd for the results and a follow up. She also has me put in for a referral for Physical Therapy due to her concern. She wants to me to keep up with my meds and take them when the pain is bad to help loosen the muscles.

I'm a little worried myself as this has literally nearly incapacitated me completely. I'm in constant pain and hardly able to even move my head. I'm praying we figure out a permanent solution and that this is nothing that can't be easily fixed. I will keep you all posted!

Day 11: 31 Day photo challenge

Day 11: A picture of something you hate. 

Day 11: A picture of something you hate.

Drugs. I've never done them but they completely destroyed my life. They took my daddy away from me my whole life, then permanently when I was 17- a week before my high school graduation. They took me away from my mom but thankfully I got her back. They destroyed many lives of my closest friends and family. They made me fear for my life and any action I ever made. They made me hate Louisiana for so long and hate all those who chose drugs over their children and loved ones... However, as much as I hate them- they are a huge part of why I am the woman I am today and why I can be the best mommy in the world to my daughter.

Huge Change Coming

So ever since my junior year in high school when I took a religions class, I have been madly fascinated by Buddhism. I have done so much research on the religion and beliefs and absolutely can believe everything they do. It just makes sense. My husband thinks I'm crazy because he says you can't believe in two things [Christianity and Buddhism] but this is how I try to explain things to him:

I mainly believe in God & Jesus Christ because it's how I was raised. I went from Catholicism to Modern Pentecostal when I was 17 but have always believed that Jesus died for our sins.

Buddhism consists of meditation and doing good for the soul purpose of "paying it forward". They meditate to relieve stress and negativity. They believe that were are put in this life to suffer, that living is suffering- but we have the power to become enlightened by ridding ourselves of the bad. They believe in Karma and coming back in another life as someone else- All of things I also believe along with the Christianity part.

I feel that most people who are Christian, already have some aspects to Buddhism. I love the idea that Buddhists don't believe you necessarily have to give up your childhood or pre-instated beliefs. '

With all of this, I am heavily researching buddhist [Zen to be exact] centers in our area. I want to try it out and see if it's really the right fit I think it will be, and well- if it is. I will become a Buddhist. This is a crazy and sudden change but I really think it could be a great thing for myself and my family. It works for Rob since he doesn't believe in God, he believes more in the karma aspect of life. It's calming and a huge stress reliever. I will keep you all posted to let you know how this change is going to work!

Day 9: 31 Day Photo Challenge

Day 9: A picture of someone who has gotten you through the most. 

Day 9: A picture of the person who's gotten you through the most.

I was really torn between my mom, Rob & my aunt seeing as they have all been my rocks at different points in my life. I chose my aunt because she's the one who's been there when my mom wasn't, when rob and I were having a hard time. She's the person I go to anytime I need advice or am just having a bad day. She's the godmother of my daughter and the person I trust more than anyone to provide for my daughter the love and stability she will need if I ever leave this world. She knows me better than ANYONE, probably even robert. I honestly don't think I would be the person I am today if it had not been for her. She helps me to see the good in myself and see the things that I could really change. She's one of my 3 moms =]

Day 8: 31 Day Photo Challenge

Day 8: A picture that makes you laugh

I really had trouble with this one because I have so many of rob and Caylee that just really make me laugh. I picked this one because it shows us having fun and being silly- as we always are. This is who we are. He makes me laugh even when I just want to disappear and any picture of us like this puts a huge smile on my face because it reminds me how not normal we are and how much we truly enjoy each others company. I was lucky enough to marry my absolute best friend... Can't wait to have an album full of funny pictures like this 50 years down the road.

Day 7: 31 Day Photo Challenge

Day 7: A Picture of your most treasured item.

Day 7: Picture of your most treasured Item

Well I thought a while about this one and honestly I do not have a single thing I truly treasure material wise... Nothing that would devastate me if I lost....

My most treasure 'item" is not an item at all but the love from my husband and daughter. Robert has been my best friend for over 3 years. He and I have gone through so much together and he truly saved me. I was on a road to self-destruction- I had nothing. Then he came along and everything I had every hoped for or dreamt about all fell into my lap. We have survived so much and he almost died but saw me and came back home alive to me. We've never had a half ass love. It's been to the core since Day 1. I could never be who I am now without him. He's my reason. My reason for everything.

My daughter changed my whole world in 2008. I never expected to be so good at being a mom or giving my all to something the way I have with her. If anything EVER happened to her, I'd probably never smile again. She's the reason I wake up every morning and go to bed with a smile on my face every night. Even when life has been hard, I always knew I could look at her and the whole place would seem right. She's the light of my life.

Military Spouse Friday Fill in & Day #6 Photo Challenge

If you aren't familiar with MFF then head on over to Wife of a Sailor and get started! It's fun and interesting.

1. What are you looking forward to most in 2011? from Jessica Lynn Writes
Being in the same place for a whole year. Since I was 14 I have not been in one place for a full year before. It's nice to have a place of my own with my wonderful husband and daughter!

2. What is something random you do on a boring night when your significant other is away? from Lovin Ma Soldier
Well if Caylee is here then we watch Disney movies until it's time for her to go to sleep. If she's not here I sleep ALOT and take up the whole bed to myself- yep i'm pretty lame lol.

3. What has been your greatest adventure as a MilSpouse? 
It really hasn't been any different then from before. My greatest adventure has to be that I've had to learn to control my tongue and place a filter on my mouth. That's a huge thing for me especially dealing with other women

.

4. What is the ugliest fashion trend you ever bought into (I’d like to make fun of you, so can you please provide a picture as well)? from More Than An Army Wife
I don't have a picture but the whole HUGE bell bottoms thing. They came back when I was in 5th grade and my mom bought me this pair that had peace signs and flowers ALL OVER them. Oh gosh, I got teased so bad. That's really the only trend I ever followed because I don't really go for the fashions, they aren't my style. 

5. What was the high point of last month?
Hmm, the high point of last month was us getting our daughter another puppy. I'll never forget her face the first time she realized we were taking him home lol. 

Day 6: A picture of someone you'd like to trade places with for a day. 

I chose my Uncle Mike. He's been in the military since he was only 17 years old. He's deployed numerous times. He's made mistakes and had a difficult child hood but has a lot to show for himself. He's got an amazing wife [who also happens to be my best friend] and two great kids that will never know the struggles that he did. He works hard and puts his all into everything he does. He is motivated, driven and he is a model of what a soldier, husband and father should be. He took me in when I had nowhere to go and has always loved and treated me like his own child. He and my aunt Marcia saved me and I admire them both so much. 

Day 5: 31 Day Photo Challenge

Day 5: A picture of your Favorite Memory.

I was really torn with this. I didn't have a picture of my grandfather tickling my ribs which is one of my fondest memories as a kid. and Caylee's birth would be the clear answer. I decided to do a time that really changed me and that I still feel in the pit of my stomach over a year later.--

The day my husband got home from Iraq. This is the picture of our guys getting off of the plane. I will never, as long as I live, forget that feeling of seeing the 
man of my dreams, my one true love- get off of that plane after being gone for so long. It was cold, I was numb but my heart was beating out of my chest, I felt like I could puke! IT was BEAUTIFUL lol

Day 4: 31 day photo challenge

Day 4: Take a Picture of your night.

The Moon:Nothing fancy but beautiful all the same.the georgia nights I've grown to love

Day 3: 30 Day Photo Challenge

Day 3: Picture of the cast from your favorite Tv Show.

Vampire Diaries Cast- with Damon on the left [Ian Somerhalder] being my main squeeze [aside from my hubby of course lol] I have Too many fave shows so I just picked this one =]

Day 2: 30 day photo challenge

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest to the longest.

My momma! We have been through a lot together but through it all she has been there for me. She's my best friend & I don't know what I'd ever do without her.

Day 1 of the 30 Day Photo Challenge

So since I find it kind of hard to stick to something for a whole year [like Project 365] I am going to settle for the 30 day Photo Challenge which a few friend [Megan & Melissa] are also doing. Each Day I will post a new blog [and also a new pic in the album on my FB for those of you who are there] to share a little bit of myself with each of you. Enjoy 

"The 30 Day Photo Challenge"

It's all about being creative everyone! 

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Day 04 - A picture of your night

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

Day 19 - A picture and a letter

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

Day 25 - A picture of your day

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 31 - A picture of yourself

DAY 1: Picture of Yourself with 10 Facts:

1. I am a Gemini

2. I was named after Ashley on Young and the Restless
3. I have and always will be my momma's little girl.
4. My daughter acts JUST LIKE ME!
5. I am very insecure.
6. My "daddy" is not my real father by blood but I couldn't have chosen a better man to play the role. He was amazing and I miss him every single day.
7. I never expected to marry my husband. On our first date I told him he wasn't my type and it would never go any further.
8. Louisiana will ALWAYS have a piece of my heart.
9. I can be a bit paranoid when it comes to my friends.
10. My dream is to be a case manager for Department of Children's Services. I want to help the kids who are in the same place I once was.

Sunday Blog Hop

Hey Everyone! So I decided to partake in the Sunday Blog hop over at The Thrifty Military Wife! If you're a new follower, please leave a comment and let me know who you are and leave the link to your blog so I can head on over! If you haven't yet joined the Sunday Blog Hop, head on over there and get to it! <3 Have a blessed Sunday!

SCHOOL & Bad Dreams

Well hello everyone! I know I know, I totally am slacking- I haven't even been completing my task to get organized- I PROMISE I'll catch up!

I'm super excited. I finally start back up with school after like a 3 1/2 month break. It was way too long but very much needed. My first two classes after coming back actually happen to be two of my favorite- Religions of the World & World Literature. I will definitely let you guys know how I like them. Hopefully I don't end up with ridiculous classmates like I did with Cultural diversities cause Lord only knows I can't handle those ignorant asses again. I checked the roster and these are all different people [THANK GOD]!

So I've been having some crazy dreams lately-- some that are making it nearly impossible to not cry or fall back asleep. They basically consist of Rob and I going to the doctor to find out why we haven't gotten pregnant only to be told it's not going to be possible... I guess my conscious and my fears and all these negative pregnancy tests are weighing on my soul. I can definitely say I'm sort of handling things a little bit better but I still have to delete people off of my Facebook who find out they are pregnant. I just can't be bitter to them but I can't be happy either. So I do what I think is right for me and my mental state right now. I hope they all understand-- it's no one I'm incredibly close too but mostly acquaintances. I don't think I'd be upset if it were someone I really cared about--- but anyone else- I just can't handle.

Rob and I have been talking and as soon as I get back from my trip in February, we are going start the process to see what is going on. I know it all starts at the bottom- with an appointment with my PCM! I am willing to do whatever it takes to figure out what is wrong. It's been a year and I got pregnant right away with Caylee TRYING. I really think that when Rob got his hernia removed, they messed something up- so we'll go to the DOC and figure everything out! Keep your fingers and toes and knees and everything crossed- I'm pretty sure everyone is getting tired of my pouting because I keep getting a BFN each month. I appreciate all of your support so much! <3 you all

DR & Kentuckessee

Today, as Rob, Caylee & I were driving on post to get lunch and check a friends mail, after finally getting our Georgia tags, a song came on the radio. This by Darius Rucker. All I could do was laugh and cry the whole time it played because it is the story of my life. Basically the song talks about how thankful he is for all the things he missed in life, because it brought him where is now- with his beautiful wife and kids. Here is an excerpt from the song [this is actually the chorus]:

"Every stoplight I didnt make Every chance I did or I didn't take.All the nights I went too far.All the girls [boys lol] that broke my heart.All the doors that I had to close.All the things I knew but I didn't know.Thank god for all I missed.Cause it led me here to this"

It really had me feeling a lot of different emotions because I have traveled such a long road to be where I am. I have changed a lot about myself [for the better] and am now able to see other things I could change as well. It makes me realize that I need to stop looking back and keep looking forward, because I wouldn't be where I am now had the things in my past not occurred. They aren't a bad thing- they are what make me- and I'm pretty darn okay with me at this point in my life. So Thank you Darius Rucker for making yet another beautiful song that melts my heart lol.

In other news, I AM FINALLY GETTING MY TRIP TO GO SEE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS IN KENTUCKESSE [as in in both places and right on the border of Tenn & Kentucky- Fort campbell lol] 

I'm thrilled. As much as I hated it 9 months ago, I have to admit I miss it. I realize now I didn't hate the place, I hated the people in Rob's unit who tormented us. I have a past there and a lot of good too. I lived there for 5 1/2 years and it will always be kinda like home for me. I'm also excited to see my mom. I haven't seen her or my wonderful foster family since I left in April! It'll just be Caylee & I going [YEP ROB GETS TWO WHOLE WEEKS TO HIMSELF & HES KINDA FREAKING OUT LOL] I will have plenty of pics and lots of things to tell you I'm sure when I get back. I'm leaving the first of February. 

I'll be spending some time in Clarksville first to see my friends and foster family there then heading up about 2 hours to spend the last week and a half with my mom and her husband. She cries sometimes when we talk about it! It kills her to not see me and caylee. Sometime while I am up, I'm going to be driving even further north to Evansville, Indiana to see one of my closest friends, Melissa. I just really can't wait and even though I am going to miss my hubby and puppies like crazy- I need this- Caylee needs this. 

hope you are all having an amazing year so far... I KNOW I AM! Thanks for reading my jumbled mess lol. <3 

Missing You Never Gets Easier.

Flying up to hit me on the 19th this month is the anniversary of my best friend's death... 3 years... 3 years since I got the call that the best person I have EVER known was killed in a car accident. 3 years since I first thought about all the things I wish I had told her. This is one of the 3 times a year [yea 3s right?] that really hit hard for me, the other two being the anniversary of my dad's death in may and the anniversary of my grandma's death in July.

I know it's bad to focus on dates... I usually forget all others but for these 3 days, my life was completely altered in a not so good way by the loss of 3 people who really played a huge role in my life. I know that they just got their ticket to heaven earlier to me- I know they are the LUCKY ones. It doesn't make their loss any easier. I want to be selfish. I want to be angry. It's harder with Britanie because she was so young and she was so GOOD.

I know a lot of people spend time talking about all the good after a person's death, but honestly not Britanie- she had no bad- she was all good. I'm sure that's hard to believe but it's so true. She volunteered, she could sing, she could dance, she stayed a virgin, she was strong in her faith, she helped any and everyone- even if they had done something horrible to her. She was the first person who reached out to me at Fort Campbell High and from that day on- we were inseparable. I road to school with her everyday- she was even my date for Jr Homecoming [the one and only one I EVER went to]. Her death was so sudden and all I could ever think since that day- is why her? Why the one person I know who has no bad side to her, who doesn't gossip or suck at being a real friend... why not someone who is bad- who purposely hurts other people--- maybe even me...

Looking back at it now- I know that she isn't the one hurting--- the one's whose life she touched are forever changed... There is no forgetting her. She got her ticket to heaven early and boy did she earn that ticket!

Although I miss her and I still think about the few days before she died- my calling to tell her news that I was EXPECTING- I know that I was blessed to have her in my life the few years I had her and that I will never be the same person because of her. This year seems to be harder than last. I hope that someday I can say that I am half the amazing person that she was.

Brit- I miss you!

Brit, Me & Jessica before Homecoming in 05

Jessica, Brit, & Me before a FCHS Falcon Game! One of the MANY we attended together!

I just wanted to share this with you guys! It's a video made shortly after she died by an old classmate of ours. There are a few pics of us from our FCHS days...

Ringing in the New Year

I'm not going to spend this time to write about how I'm so ready to make changes for the new year, how I want to lose weight or be a better person. I think I've spent way too much time on things like that. I have found in the past few days, so many people are setting on the fact that the year changes thing- that made me think of this;

A simple year or time span doesn't define who we are. We choose our reactions to all of our circumstances, we choose how we will let things that happen in a year affect us. Good and bad things all happen EVERY year but it's our attitude towards those things that determine whether we will focus solely on the bad things that occurred that year or the good.

2007 my dad died but I married the man of dreams.
2008 my best friend was killed in a car accident but my beautiful daughter was born
2009 my husband was deployed, i lost my relationship with my mom but I got a better relationship in the end with the both of them, not to mention getting to watch my daughter grow.
2010 I've lost a few friends I thought would be there till the end but I have a house of my own, hardly any debt left and I'm more than half-way done with my associate's degree. I am at an amazing place in my marriage that I never thought I would be.

Again- our attitude towards obstacles determine how our year will be remembered. I'm not ready for 2011 because it's a chance for a new start, who needs a new year to start fresh? I'm choosing to make everyday a day of bettering myself and being as happy as I can be without all the negativity and negative influences.

ARE YOU READY TO DEFINE WHO YOU ARE NOT BY A SILLY NUMBER BUT BY LIVING EACH DAY THE RIGHT WAY? =]