2010 Family Pics

We did family pics yesterday and I must say they turned out pretty darn cute. Here are my favorites. [Thanks to Brownbee Photography]

Change with the Season

So as my close friends and family know, I'm crazy bipolar when it comes to my hair. Last year I was blonde, the beginning of this year I was brunette [my natural color] black headed, and now I am a red head. I bounce from long hair to super short! I just love the change and the fresh feeling of being "renewed" and might I add, it adds spice to our marriage and keeps our attraction for each other on going. It's fun.

Today I dyed my hair KOOLAID red! lol. It's so pretty. Next week I'm gonna go back in and get it cut short again. I can't wait! I love the change....



We also went fishing today, the zoo yesterday. It's been a fun weekend of soaking up the last bit of warm weather. I've had a blast with Rob and Caylee and it's done wonders for my mood lately to just get out of the house for a change! I'm such a recluse which is awful for my depression; but what can I say- I'm a woman who loves her alone time.

Here are a few pics from the zoo and our fishing trip today! Enjoy =]

Update

Sorry it's been so many days since the last time I blogged. I guess I just needed a break, or maybe I just wasn't sure what to say after my last blog. I went last Friday to Fort Benning to go pick up Caylee from my aunt. I spent the weekend with them which was so nice. I think it was just what I needed. I hate that they are so far [yes I know they could be much further but I much rather them living 5 minutes away again]. Caylee really enjoyed her time with them and truly bonded with them. It broke my heart to leave but it was also nice to come back home to Robert. I definitely returned with lifted spirits and in a somewhat better mood.

We put up the Christmas decor yesterday- which is super early for us- traditionally, we wait till the day after thanksgiving. This year we were both a bit excited to decorate our house so we put them up early. Here are a few pics [more will come since we have much more to decorate lol] It feels nice to have the holiday cheer already up and running and I must admit, it seems to be getting me a bit out of my depression state. I am still a little bummed that we won't be able to go up to see our families for Thanksgiving or Christmas but then again, it's also nice to not have to fret over money for the BIG trip or on how Caylee and Boots will handle with the 18 hours on the road. Hopefully there will be a trip in the works before we know it.

As we speak, my best friend is in labor with her beautiful baby girl Bella Grace. She's been in labor for many many many hours lol... I kind of feel for her [especially since my labor with Caylee was so easy] I'm praying that she has her baby girl in her arms soon! The suspense is killing us all. On top of Kristie being in labor, later today, my other close friend, Liz, is being induced and will be having her beautiful baby boy Jayden Robert. As sad as I have been about not getting pregnant, I am truly so happy for the both of them, but truly bummed that they are both so far from me and I won't get to hold my little babies for quite sometime!

Well anyway, it's 2:58 and since I was sleeping all day due to a migraine, I am going to try and go get some sleep now before Caylee wakes up in the morning! Hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week/weekend! <3

Damn You DNA

I've been knowing for the past few months I suppose that something just wasn't right with me... I couldn't really say what it was or pinpoint it. I still am not sure that I fully understand it other than I am suffering from depression. I don't know why. I wish I did. I wish I had the answers as to why I am "cursed" with the mentality and the genetic makeup that is mine. 


I wish I could understand why I have everything I have ever dreamed of- an amazing man who does EVERYTHING to make me happy, a PERFECT little girl who is the light of my life and truly does make me happy, family that loves me, friends I can count on, a house I can call my own, no debt... yet it's not enough... I still feel this overwhelming sadness, I just want to cry all the time. 


It's been getting worse and worse. It started in July I suppose. I've just been kind of brushing it to the side, trying to deal with things on my own and praying they would just get better and I would stop feeling this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Tonight, I was watching the CMA's curled up on the couch with Robert as Lady Antebellum sang "Hello World" and I just sat there crying and crying till I could really had nothing left to let out. One part of the song, he says,


"Sometimes I forget what living's for, And i hear my life through my front door, and I'll be there, oh I'm home again. I See my wife, little boy, little girl, Hello World -Hello World All the empty disappears I remember why I'm here Just surrender and believe I fall down on my knees Oh Hello World, Hello World, Hello World"


As I sat there listening to the words to this song for the millionth time, I wondered how I could ever take my life for granted. I cried knowing that for once, my genetics have defeated me. I have been on this uphill battle my whole life, trying to defy who I am, to break away from what my grandmother and mother were. To be that happy person who always has the smile on their face. The more I replayed this song in my head, the more disgusted I got with myself, especially over the person I have become- this overbearing negative person who just sees the ugly in everything. I have let depression and my fear of being like my grandmother and mother turn me into just that. I have lost control of myself and my emotions. I want to be that happy go lucky girl who doesn't carry the weight of the world on her shoulders but I am just scared.... I don't know where to start. My biggest fear is being medicated. My biggest fear is being judged. I guess those fears become smaller when I see the toll it's taking on me, and the laughter and joy it's taking away from me watching my daughter grow.


So what is the next step. Do I overcome my fears and go see a doctor? Is this something only more time can heal? This has been a battle for me for years... my demons and skeletons just won't let me be, so how do I let go. How do I be happy for my husband and daughter? I guess now comes a time for much self-evaluation and decision making. 

An Empty Nest

My aunt and uncle drove over from Fort Benning this past weakend for Rob's birthday [which he got stuck working on] and decided to "kidnap" Caylee for the week. They left Sunday and she'll be gone until I leave to go get her Friday [but we won't be home until Sunday since it's about a 5 1/2 hour trip].

It's been pretty nice having alone time with Rob. We don't ever get that. I'm the type of person who thinks that even though I had a child at a young age [I was already  married but only 18 when I got pregnant and 19 when I had her] it is solely our responsibility to raise her. Neither of us go out to bars or clubs and a "night out" for us is a dinner and movie date. Neither of us mind that one bit. It's no one elses' responsibility to take care of our daughter. It's okay on the special occasion [like when her godmother insists on taking her for a week because she's having withdrawals] or an occasional night for a few hours when I have a very trusted friend watch her but other than that, our alone time is once she is in bed, which to me is how is should be.

Anyway, we went out to lunch/dinner and he took me shopping. We had a blast. I can't remember laughing so much in a while. It's DEFINITELY been a while. We came home. Lit our first fire in our fireplace and relaxed on the couch and watched "Get em to the Greek" which might I add is a HILARIOUS movie. It was truly a great day. He told me a million times how much he loved me, he kept my hand in his the whole time, or moved my hair out of my face, or rested his hand in my back pocket- it was nice. Reminded me of when we first started dating. I always cherish the times like that...

Today, I got a call from Caylee's Pediatrician. He was calling to let me know that her culture came back positive for Salmonella and I can almost guarantee it is from the Mcdonald's Chicken Nuggets. I every once in a Blue Moon, get her a kids meal with chicken nuggets and apples as a special treat. However, she will no longer be getting any sorry of food from that nasty place after I watch her little body shrink down from all the diarrhea. My aunt just sent me a picture and even in the picture you can see she lost a lot of weight last week. Makes me sad. Anyway, she has the basic form of Salmonella which requires no treatment. She is having normal bowel movements and eating regularly as well, so it's pretty much over with. She is still contagious but since she still is not potty trained, it's not a big concern unless we were disgusting and didn't wash our hands after changing her. I'm glad to know for sure what it was.

As a special treat, we got her the limited edition rudolph from build- a - bear yesterday [ yes even on our dates, when she's 5 1/2 hours away I still think of her constantly] and it is the cutest thing EVER! It's little nose lights up red and it says "She thinks I'm cute, I'm cute I'm cute" and a few other things. It's adorable! She's going to love it! Ahh I can't wait to see my baby this weekend- I have to admit, I'm missing her like crazy!

A Good Week Gone Bad

Man, I just can't get a break. I should rename my blog into The Pessimistic Army Wife [in mirror of lovely Liz over at The Optimistic Army Wife] Sheesh! So here's the recap!

1. We've been told by Rob's SGT for the past month that his leave days were good to go [we were planning on taking leave from the 12th of Nov. to the 3rd of Dec. seeing that he hasn't' been home in 2 years]. His SGT had him put in his packet and then on the spot laughed and said "It's just not a good time right now". Rob's on the color guard of the division. There are NINE guys- ONLY FOUR are needed to do a ceremony and no one else was planning on taking leave at this time. Honestly, I think the only reason he denied it was because he was expecting Rob to get promoted and take his NCOIC position...

2. Same day- our pipes backed up AGAIN and we had to call a plumber when all else failed. Thankfully it only cost us 80 dollars this time verses 250! They had to dig up the drain line outside and use an electric auger to get it unclogged [after he had already unhooked my toilet to discover that wasn't the problem at all].

3. Caylee got some sort of virus around Halloween and 2 nights ago started pooping STRAIGHT BLOOD. Now we aren't just talking streaks, we're talking full diapers of dark oozing blood! We take her into the doctor's on post and he basically says not to worry, they'd do a culture but there was nothing they could do. It could be Salmonella but the culture would take 24 to 48 hours to come back. I had to scrape her poop [or blood as i should call it] into a plastic container, place it into a biohazard bag, seal it, and put it in my fridge [FREAKING GROSS I KNOW] until the next day to take it in because the lab was closed by the time we were done with her appt. Still don't know the results. Hopefully we'll hear something soon. Thankfully, the blood has pretty much stopped.

4. Rob didn't pass his board. Well let me rephrase that. 4 out of the 5 members on the board gave him max points but the SGM [Sargent Major] said he was "not loud enough" [although all the other members on the board as well as his SGT said he was screaming at the top of his lungs] so therefore he was not given his "p" status to get his e-5. Thankfully there is another board in January that he should be able to attend. Kinda crappy when they have 5 members but only one truly counts. He got all of the questions right, was confident, uniform was squared away, but yet the SGM who couldn't even speak clear english said he wasn't yelling loud enough. EH WHATEVER!

5. I got a migraine the day Caylee got sick! It was awful!

6. I started my period... Yea.... that's a bad thing... Those who have been following for a while, know that we have been trying for a while to get pregnant [9 months now to be exact] so when I started my period, after 3 more people this month found out they were pregnant, I was a little bummed...

I SWEAR IM CURSED!


So this was my week of my anniversary and Rob's birthday [which is saturday] that I was expecting to be MAGNIFICENT that totally kinda bit the dust lol. But it's Friday, My favorite aunt and uncle are driving up for the weekend from fort benign so I'm gonna make the most of it...

ON THE PLUS SIDE! I GOT MY KINECT FOR XBOX!! WHOOP WHOOP!

FFI # 3

Head on over to Wife of a Sailor and snag up the questions and get connected to Mr. Linky =] 

1. A different twist on last week’s question. This week, the first question is: what’s the nicest thing a MILSPOUSE has ever done for you? (brought to you from navy_smurfette)

I've honestly never really had any positive experiences with military spouses aside from my aunt, who has been an Army Wife for almost 2 decades. She has really showed me the ropes. She's told me that its okay to feel weak and she's told me it is okay to separate our life together from his career, that things just work better that way. She's truly my mentor in all I do. 

2. How often do you drive faster than the speed limit?

Not too often here. Georgia is pretty strict on speeding. 

3. Did you have a nickname in school? If so, what was it?

I had a really horrible nickname that I am much too embarrassed to share. Put it this way, those kids really scarred me and I cried many many many times over the name they called me. 

4. If your life was a book, what would the title be and how would it end?

As my blog used to be called "The Road through Life" and I don't know how it would end. I would hope that it would be a happily ever after tale after all that I have gone through. I'm not sure I would I would want to know though. 

5. Look back (in your planner if you have one) to September 14th… what did you do that day?

I don't have a planner lol. But I'm sure if I were to go far back enough on Facebook I could tell you bahaha. 

My First Award

I am so thrilled! I have been awarded my first award EVER! Steph from Watching Airplanes has selected me as;

So here is how it goes; 

Rules

1. Thank and link back to who gave you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass it along to blogs you've recently discovered and enjoyed.

4. Leave the recipients a note telling them about the award.

7 things about myself

1. I was married shortly after I turned 18.

2. I was in foster care.

3. I grew up in a small town in Southern Louisiana.

4. I'm addicted to online toy shopping for my daughter.

5. I can never find clothes I like. I actually HATE clothes shopping for this reason!

6. My biggest fear in life is being alone. 

7. Rob has called me Mama Bear since the day he found out I was pregnant, which was December 17th, 2007 [also the day he had his hernia surgery lol]




Now I would like to pass this award along to some of my most recent favorites; 
Bonnie @ The Sometimes Single Mom
Liz @ The Optimistic Army Wife 
Katie F @ The Life of An Army Wife 
Jess @ Just a Geek Named Jess 

Election Day--- Your Vote Counts [OR NOT]

It's only 834 and I have already seen about 7 blogs and 10 FB statuses concerning today's election day... honestly I don't care. I don't have a civic duty to do anything... Yes this may be a negative attitude to have but you know what, I realized in 2008 that my votes don't matter one bit... I realized last year that my votes don't matter. I'm not really republican but I'm definitely not for the democratic side of abortion and things like that... but that's not even what this is about. It's about the fact that we "get" the "right" to vote yet when do we actually see the benefits of those votes....

I was a supporter of Bill Clinton, even with his scandalous love affair, because honestly he was doing pretty damn good things for this country. Our jobs were pretty high in numbers, our debt was pretty low. However, I think this is simply because Clinton had the country before it took a "shit". He was replaced right before 9/11 and Bush kinda got this big pile of crap not long after being in place.

Bush was an idiot. He lacked social skills, leadership skills, and well he just wasn't fit to run this country. He made a lot of mistakes and more times than not he failed to own up to it. He definitely wasn't the worst president ever but far from the greatest. However, it can be said this country definitely went to hell when he was in office. Between 9/11 happening and the accusations of why we really went over to Iraq. People are always going to have their opinions. Some say Saddam wasn't a threat to us, but anyone who is helping the man who killed our people or making threats to our presidents [previous or present] is a threat to us. I think Bush had a lot of pressure on him and in all of that, he did the right thing. Imagine what had happened if we had just ignored what happened to our country. America would be looked at as a big giant "puss" and everyone in their mother would have attacked us. We have since done great things for Iraq. Afghanistan is definitely a different story but this has been ongoing since BEFORE Bush! But I guess everyone is going to blame him for the Operation: Desert Storm stuff too. I mean really, it's not just  the president's decision, although he is the main decision maker.

Anyway... In 2008, I watched every single debate. I did my research about all the candidates and I decided to place my vote on one matter alone; WHO WOULD BETTER SUIT MY HUSBAND AND THE FELLOW TROOPS! I stood in line 4 hours to put in my vote for McCain, knowing that he wasn't going to win, simply because of his stance as a republican and the fact that a black man and a woman were running [no offense to anyone]. I knew that people wanted to make history. If anything, I would have rather Hillary win simply because I knew that much of Bill's run was made with her help. She's done amazing things in office as Senator and really could change this country, and not just say she would. Of course there were things I disliked about her [abortion, taking away gun rights, etc] but she was the lesser evil out of the two.

I refused to vote for Obama simply because I knew his votes was majorly a part of RACE. I know that many people did not vote for him for that purpose, but come on, we all know he won because he is "black". The thing that got me about him was the fact that he was not even born in America. He is muslim, which doesn't completely bother me but I can see where it would cause conflictions with this war. He was making open ended promises to people to get votes that were completely impossible [like pulling all the troops out of Iraq by 2010, etc]. He refused to say the pledge of allegiance or put his hand over his heart [like all Americans do] up until the point that people were openly bashing him for such things. These are just a FEW of the reasons I felt he was "unfit" to run our country.

I chose to vote McCain for a very big reason. He has military experience, was a prisoner of war and really knew what to expect with where this war with Iraq was heading. While I know he would not have pulled the troops out, I do think that with him, we had the best shot for making this war with Afghanistan a little less "painful". He knows how war works, he can empathize with our troops and he could hopefully do a better job than Bush who lied about his military experience. To me, there is no greater "Commander in Chief" than someone who has been in their shoes. McCain overall seemed to be an honest man. He didn't make promises he didn't keep and he tried his best to show people that he wasn't Bush, although people just wouldn't have it... So I stood in line for my 4 hours and I put in my vote for all of whom I thought could support my husband and his fellow soldiers effective and pick this country up out the grave it has become over the past decade.

Needless to say, my vote meant nothing. I had to sit there as people bragged about how a "black" man was president... I had to hear people say things like "I voted for him because I knew this would make history." or "I never even watched a single debate, I don't even know a thing about them, but he's a BLACK MAN!" It's scary to think that someone can win a race simply for the color of his skin and not because of what he stands for. For some, I know this isn't the case, but for many it was... This is when I decided that I would NEVER vote again. I was 19, it was my first time to vote EVER and I wanted to make a difference and I didn't. I guess I kind of felt defeated. We can all say since he's gotten into office, he hasn't been an ounce better than Bush. He fails to take responsibility. He lies about his actions and he is just not a good president. While I do get sick of people bashing him and making up these ridiculous rumors about him, I do thin that he is not right to lead our country, just as I thought Bush wasn't. I'm ready for 2012 and I pray Americans have more sense next time around.

3 years into Happily Ever After

Today is weird. It's our 3 year wedding anniversary and while for some, this is not a huge time at all- for us both- it's a big thing. It's so weird to look back at all we have been through the past 3 years, the ways we have changed and grown for the better, what we have accomplished from our struggle with finances in our first year of marriage, and just how much our love for each other has matured itself.

We were married in a 4 minute ceremony in the office of the JOP in Hopkinsville Kentucky at 4 pm on November 1, 2007. We had gone in just expecting to pick up our marriage licenses, but when the JOP said he had a few minutes to spare, we couldn't pass up the opportunity. I didn't have a big fancy wedding, our families weren't there, but --- it was the best day [aside from the day Caylee was born] of my entire life. I had no stress of trying to impress people, I didn't have to worry about other people- It was about he and I! Just us. I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change anything about our marriage, not the fights or struggles. Not anything we have gone through to put us where we are today. I have married an absolutely perfect man for me. He knows what I am thinking without me having to say a word. He loves me even when I'm a moody crazy mess. He spoils me and our daughter rotten and goes out of his way to make us happy. He's [generally] always respectful of my feelings. He never curses me out or puts me down, even when I am being the most difficult person in the world. He always supports me and the decisions I make. He's hardworking, romantic and truly selfless. I really am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with this wonderful man I call Mr. Amazing! He's everything to me...