Quick Update

Well I guess I have come to a decision about school: I am going to take a break for a little while-just to have a little me time then I can finish up my degree. I know I am only disliking it because I am hating the general studies. I am ready to get into my major! I love my psychology class-it's something I thoroughly enjoy, but all these research classes and bogus classes that I will never use are just driving me bananas! I know once I get to focus on my major, I will love it!


Among other good news, my best friend and I made up! Boy does it feel good. I do not understand why we always do this stuff. We are best friends, inseparable and even when we want to kill each other and think that we never want to talk to each other again, something happens and we end up missing each other like crazy and talking to each other, saying how sorry we are for being dumb jerks over and over again. I hate that we keep putting each other through that. But on the plus side-SHE'S BACK! Well, she's in Germany, but I have her in my life again-there is nothing that feels better. I missed my girls [Kristie and Virginia & Little Miss Jayla <3] It makes me more than happy-enough said!


So have you ever run across someone who just literally makes you sick. Someone who keeps popping out kids but can't take care of the ones she has. Someone who physically hurts her children, leaves them in crap filled diapers till the gel starts falling out, who goes WEEKS without bathing her children, then goes and tries to pretend she's the best mother in the world. I just don't get how people like that can have children, but people like me and other good parents or people who would make good parents just can't seem to get pregnant. It sickens me. I would love to put all shitty parents in a room together and beat and starve them and see how they like it! Anyway, just thought I would get that off my chest-now off to play some COD I go =] Thanks for reading.

Decisions are Hard-or maybe I'm just lazy!

"How soon "Not Now" becomes "NEVER"! - Martin Luther King

So I realize I have an issue with commitment. Not as in with my husband-I mean I am beyond committed to him-do not ever want to be with anyone else. The type of commitment I am referring to is more along the lines of I never follow through with things. For example, I have been saying I was going to catch up on laundry for the past week-yep the hamper is still full to the top with clothes. I am realizing I am starting to get to be the same way with my school- procrastination & avoidance could be used in this case. I just don't want-or as my mother would say "Girl, you got the don't wants!"- I don't want to do my homework, I don't want to earn my degree. I JUST DON'T WANT! I guess you could just say I am lazy. I pay all this money for school and for what-for nothing- that's what. I have a friend who has a flipping masters degree and could not find a job for anything. It's like they take all this money for school but then we don't get anything back in return. I have been working hard to keep my GPA above 3.6 but I really just don't care anymore. Are they really going to care whether or not my Associate's Degree is due to hard work or half-assing it-the degree doesn't say that! I am great at being a mommy-I'm good at being a wife, but maybe that is all I really want out of my life... It is what makes me happy-so why should I have to make every one else happy and go to school for a degree when in all honestly, I don't think a career is for me. My life revolves around my family. And you know what, I love it that way. Or maybe I am just trying to find any and every excuse to persuade myself that it is not a bad thing if I drop out after these classes. I keep saying I want to take a break from school but the thing is, if I take a break I probably won't ever finish. I guess I could just get my associate's and once that's done, I at least have that and can from there. I just wish I was a go-getter. Someone who wanted more out of life than what they have... I don't want more-in my eyes I have what I want. I mean I would love more money, I would love to never have to worry about what is going to happen come Rob's retirement- but on the other hand, we're doing ok. We aren't rich but our bills get paid and we can enjoy our lives. I guess I need to make up my mind within the next 4 weeks as to what I want to do. Am I just being lazy or is this really something I want to give up on?! Feedback would be helpful lol! 

I've come to realize

I've come realize that:


Everyone makes mistakes. People can't be perfect in everything they do all of the time. Holding a grudge and not moving on from people's mistakes [no matter how bad they may be] does nothing but make me and them miserable. Sometimes you just have to learn to forgive and move on. I want to make things right with the people I have wronged, but I just don't even know where to start. It's a long list.


I am not perfect. I cause most of my misery 90% of the time. And even the misery I don't cause, I do, simply because I allow other people to affect me. The sooner I realize I am my own worst enemy, the happier I will be.


I push people away and then wonder why they left. I bring everything on myself. Instead of letting go of the small things that piss me off-I am willing to throw away great friendships and relationships all because I am too damn stubborn to let it go.


Being a mother and wife is the most amazing thing in the entire world and really, they are all I need to ever be happy.


It is unfair of me to be bitter and unhappy just because people are getting what I want [e.g pregnant]. I find myself being so bitter and thinking such mean things anytime I find out someone [unless I am super close to them] is pregnant. I just always wonder what I am doing so wrong that God gives everyone else another baby but me. I should be nothing but happy for anyone who gets such a beautiful gift. I guess misery really does love company.


I hold myself back from succeeding. I had an amazing job-that could have turned into a beautiful career- but I found any and every excuse to get out of doing my job and doing what needed to be done to go up the ladder. I really do miss my job and know I'll probably never have another one that I could love as much as I loved working with "my" kids.


Regret is a horrible thing and truly a waste of time and energy but everyone experiences it. You just have to learn from your mistakes and grow from them.


I'm not so great of a friend. I pick off the little things that irritate me and I blow them into things that are way bigger than they should be. I make a mountain out of an aunt hill.


Sometimes it's good to get out of the house instead of being a hermit. Cabin fever is a killer.


Kids repeat everything and while it may be cute at first when they drop the F bomb, It's not so cute when they are 5 and saying it.


Not everyone has a good relationship with their families, but I am lucky enough to have 2 moms, 2 dads, and an amazing aunt who looks at me like a daughter. I shouldn't care that I don't have a huge family that gets together for every holiday. I have people who have been by my side even when I didn't deserve it.


Many of my problems with my mom are because of me. Because I was selfish and all about me and didn't care enough about the struggle she was having from the time I was a child until now. If I would have saw past myself for just a second, maybe our entire lives would have been different.


Death never gets easier-EVER. All you can do is live life everyday like they are still alive, and have the goal of making them proud.


If you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. You have to be alright being in your own skin. Not all the beautiful girls are truly beautiful, it's their smile and confidence that makes them that way! 


I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am and where I have been in my life. While I am not perfect, I have a lot to be proud of and a lot to be thankful for. 


I would not have the life I have, or be the person I am, if it weren't for rob. He truly built me into a woman from that fragile little girl I used to be. Even when I want to kill him [not literally], I can find comfort in knowing that he loves me at my worst and my best and that I will always have him to turn too. While life changes, our love for each other never will! 

Life In All It's Glory

Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it.  ~Jacques Prévert




Man, things are just crazy. I finally got out of my funk or whatever you want to refer to it as. I do not know what was going on with me. I was so depressed and missing home so incredibly bad that nothing or no one could put a smile on my face. I am glad that moment is over and done with.


Big 21. That's right-I am officially and "adult" now [or at least in society's eyes]. Personally, it doesn't feel any different than when I turned 18 seeing that I have been an adult for a long time. I don't mind getting older though, people respect you more once you have the years on top of the experience. 


We had a little scare the other day. We thought Caylee had chicken pox. She broke out in this crazy rash all over her body, about gave mommy a heart attack. Thankfully, it's just a viral infection that will go away on it's own. I am just glad she doesn't have to go through that just yet. She's growing so fast... less than 2 months away from her 2nd birthday and the child say the F* word more than me. My fault I suppose. I have tried everything to get her to stop saying it, hot sauce, soap, butt pop! NOTHING WORKS!! I told Rob months ago that we needed to watch our mouths because she picks up on everything. I have to admit though, it's kind of funny [at the moment at least-won't be so funny in a few years]. The funniest part is that she actually uses it in the right context [as in oh F* not as in the sexual way]. I swear that child is too smart for her own good. She's been talking so much lately. She counts to ten, she sings, says her name [more like CAYKEE rather than CAYLEE], talks on the phone to her family members, takes orders and follows through with them [like go get a diaper out the bathroom, throw this is the trashcan, pick up your toys, turn the tv off]. Yea, I think her intelligence is going to someday give me a run for my money. But it's worth it. She's the love of my life [other than my robert of course].


So month 5 of TTC Baby Lucente #2. I test next week and I am praying for a BFP [big fat positive]. Only time will tell I suppose. Now it's to commit to self control not to waste yet another test because I am too impatient to wait even though I know it's still too early to tell! KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED THAT JUNE IS OUR LUCKY MONTH!! 


School is going great. These two classes [Research Writing & Psychology] are definitely giving me a run for my money. It's not going to be an easy A to obtain but that's ok, I like to know I am actually earning my degree. And personally, I work better under pressure! 


Rob is doing amazing here at Stewart. We did find out that he WILL NOT BE DEPLOYING again for at least 2 1/2 more years! That really just was the hugest relief. He's sad that he won't be getting to do his job and bring home some extra money, but he's [AND CAYLEE AND I TOO] are very excited our family doesn't have to do another year + apart for a while! Especially with us trying to have another baby!! He's working for the Division Command SGT Major at the moment which is like a huge thing... now only if he could finally get that huge promotion he's been so striving to get. 




That's about all the update I can give right now! My life has been kind of lax lately =] but I like it that way. Love you guys! COMMENT =]

Another year... missing home

June 2nd.... The day before June 3rd. The day before I was born 21 years ago. The age I have waited for my whole life, especially when I was in foster care. That age where there is no question about me being an adult. 21 years seems like a lifetime.

Honestly, I do not even feel 21-I feel 30, which is probably not such a good thing. I mean I have lived more in my 21 years than most do in a lifetime-which I guess I can say I am grateful for. But seriously, I don't even see my 21st as a big deal. I have been an adult for a long time now. I don't really have any cause to celebrate other than the fact that it's one more year of life, which I am more than thankful for. I guess in a way I am a bit depressed about my birthday this year. Life passes by so quickly. Things change-people change. And sometimes those changes aren't so easy to handle. I guess I have been stuck in a phase of reminiscing lately and it's really got me down. I have such a beautiful life and so much to be thankful for but I can't help but miss some of what used to be.

I miss sharing birthday parties with my brat Michelle. I miss all the time we spent together when our mom's were best friends. I miss my Nanny and how goofy she was when we were all together. I miss Mandy and our summer trips to visit Aunt Eunice in Franklin. I miss my daddy and even the disappointment he caused. I miss going to the levees and riding my bike down the big hills. I miss my treehouse. I miss getting plastered with Jessi & singing to paint me a birmigham at the top of my lungs. I miss not being looked at like I was stupid if I didn't have shoes on. I miss sitting on the front porch reading my book on Acadiana Road. I miss Northwest and all the people I grew up with. I miss boudin and boiled Crawfish. I miss Cypress trees and old houses. I miss gravel roads. I miss riding the 4-wheeler in the big field behind our house. I miss jamming to Hanson in my room with the curtain being the only Door I had to separate me from the other part of the house. I miss crooked creek and Jamie's BBQ! I miss our trips to my grandma's grave where we sat and ate pizza and told her about all the things going on in our lives. I miss walking down the gravel road to Joyce's. I miss snowballs from the stand at Fast Foods! I miss my beef Jerky from Prudhomme's! I miss the smell of the oil plant near my daddy's house. I just miss home so bad right now! There are just things there that I can't ever get or feel anywhere else! I just want to go home-at least to visit. I feel like so much time has passed by and I have missed so much-everyone changed and forgot about me and I have yet to let go. I have tried to trick myself into not missing it. To not missing those memories. To not loving that place-but I can't stop. It's in my bones. I can't help but compare every place to Louisiana-and in my heart I know that no place will ever even come close to comparing... or come closing to truly being in my heart... LOUISIANA-THIS GIRL IS STILL CAJUN AT HEART!!