PYHO:Good Enough?!

There is alot going in my life right now... alot of stress. some that is probably just unnecessary. A lot of army families are panicking. There are big cuts about to be made, new requirements for reenlistment, and a lot of questioning about "Where do we go if it's us?" No one is safe anymore, not even if you are a good soldier. and that scares me.


Not having a back up plan scares me. Not being done with school and having at least 3 years left for MY career scares me... the pressure is hard to handle. The not knowing is taking it's toll on me and making me feel like I need to hurry and make a decision and get a back up plan.

Rob's due to reenlist in the next 2 years and we have no plan for if it falls through. He never gets in trouble and never has failed a pt test and is a great soldier but nothing is guaranteed anymore. I need a plan. Something I can do to support my family... and today I made that decision.

I've decided to go to Cosmetology School to become a hairdresser. Is it the career I see myself doing for the rest of my life, my dream job?! no- not really. It's something I know I will enjoy, something that is stable and will bring in enough income to take care of our kids and pay the bills if he's ever injured, loses his job in the army, or god forbid KIA [killed in action]-something I don't even want to think about.

I figure while he is deployed would be the best opportunity. Caylee will be in school so I'll just need a sitter for the days I go to school to watch Corey. It's scary. I feel like if I don't make the right decision everything can crumble. I like the idea of being a hairdresser but I'm worried that because I felt I had to rush to finish school to get a career going, I'll regret it in the future. I feel as though my heart will always be in psychology and I'm not saying I'm giving up on my main dream but for right now, this is what i need to do for my family..... but is it enough? Will I succeed, will I learn quickly? Will I be proud of my accomplishments or feel like yet again I made a decision based on my family and not myself?

Right now, I hate the army. I hate the fact they are making these cuts and our families have to sit back and just watch and wait as people we've grown to love are told "No you can't reup, your MOS is overstrengthed" or  "No, you have a slightly bad back and are a liability" -- yea our army needs to go back to having GREAT soldiers not just mediocre but at the same time, so many times the shitbags get to the top and the good ones slip through the cracks and it SCARES ME! to think of my family not being able to pay their bills, to have nothing to fall back on. No offense to anyone, but I don't want to be flipping burgers at burger king or running the register at Walmart. I want more for myself and for my family. I hope I'm making the right decision. I hope I'm good enough...

Hello there

I've been wanting to blog... needing to blog but I don't want it to be sad or whiny. I've had waaaay too many of those since moving to this place so I guess I will share a bit of what is going on and then share a few pics of the kiddies

1. we're down to less than half a year til the year long deployment begins and it's killing me to think about... especially with all that is going on over there. We lost people where we are stationed, one who we actually knew so it made the reality even more there for us. I have to say that I am so thankful rob is doing what he's doing and not actually doing is regular job [route clearance-aka looking for roadside bombs]... it takes a little bit of the weight off of my heart. It kills me that for the second time, he's deploying and missing the same age of our son as he did with our daughter- yet again he will miss all of the firsts... but unlike with caylee, the time of year corey was born makes him miss christmas and halloween and thanksgiving along with the first word, tooth, step, etc. he's having a hard time dealing with it and in turn it's weighing on our relationship. we've been not getting along lately and it's breaking my heart. he's got his guard up. he's trying to build that wall before he goes so it hurts less--- i know what he's doing... i know it's common but it doesn't make it easier... it hurts. and he doesn't get a 9 month deployment, he doesn't get to come home early- he's stuck with another year long deployment... and can i just say I HATE R&R! it's the worst. it's a tease and it hurts worse than the first time they leave. I'm not looking forward to that... I can handle the pain, the emotions [barely] but our daughter is going to hurt so much and i  cry just thinking about it. corey is going to hurt and that hurts me... so needless to say, as much as i don't want him to go... i want him to go just so we can hurry up and get this over with.

2. one of my best friends has decided to move home while her husband is deployed. to say she is my rock, my confidant is an understatement. our kids are so close with one another. we've become like family and i can't imagine her not here, let alone across the country! it breaks my heart. I wish she could stay here.... Gotta love skype... and another of my friends may possibly be moving to germany. her boyfriend along with another close friend of ours got orders to two different places but at the same time so everyone i trust/love here will be leaving... that's the army for ya!

3. My uncle is leaving for Korea soon and i am sad about that too. my daughter has everyone she loves going away in a matter of months from each other and she doesn't handle that well. my uncle is her godfather and nearly as important to her as robert is. i don't know how to even begin to prepare to take her pain away. to make it better...

4. this is not as sad but torture for when i'm sad. i can't have any lactose... no milk, no icecream, no cheese and NO CHOCOLATE [oh my!] because little corey has a lactose allergy and gets terrible belly aches every time I feed him... how am i to survive the next 10 months and rob deploying without chocolate lol....




Now for the good! Corey has gained about 6 pounds and grown almost 3 inches in only 2 months! he's such a happy boy [minus for when i eat dairy] and absolutely loves his big sister!! he's definitely a momma's boy but he is loving his daddy!!

As for Caylee- gosh she's growing so fast. Her vocabulary continues to grow and she talks as well at 3 1/2 as most 5-6 year olds! Her intelligence never fails to amaze me. As for being a big sister- my gosh am i shocked. As anti little brother as she was, she's amazing with him now. She kisses him every single night for bed, wants to hold him during the day. Covers him if he's cold and can't stop saying how "adoooooraaaable" he is... she even shared her favorite blanket and stuffed animal with him! She'll be starting pre-k in the fall and I'm so happy that she will have something to keep her mind off of everything!!

As for me- well I'm doing ok. A little overwhelmed with everything happening in the next few months. A little scared for this deployment... A little sad for my husband, sad for my friends whom are having to go through the same. Sad for my aunt who's husband is going away YET AGAIN while she's left here to handle her two children, one of which is autistic. I'm trying to not let myself get discouraged or get depressed... i'm not alone this deployment like I was the last one. I've surrounded myself with amazing people and while the most important ones are going home or moving, I have some staying behind who I can truly count on! and besides, I foresee lots of travel in my future year or so! Well thanks for reading everyone and here are a few pics for you!!