WOW

So I think that 2010 is definitely off to a WONDERFUL START! Is it bad that secretly I keep asking myself when something is going to go wrong... and just waiting for it to happen? That has got to be one of the worst ways a person can think. I just can not help myself. I mean just look at the last 20 years of my life-It has definitely not been something to make me look and say "HEY-IM SO HAPPY AND CHEERY AND NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO ME!" And it always seemed to me, that every time I had my foot in the door, someone came in to knock me right back on my ass. How is a person supposed to see things positively when bad things just seem to ALWAYS happen to them? I mean just going back to 2007 to now, here is a list of just SOME of the horrible things that have happened and some of the good:

2007: [bad thing]
I had a bad bad bad experience with a soldier
I got put in a group home and almost didnt graduate.
My daddy died a week before my graduation.
My dog of almost 16 years died.
I was starved by my foster family.
Our only car caught on fire.
I found out Rob had been dating another girl before we got married.
Our Roommate stole over 2 thousand dollars from us

2007: [good]
I started dating robert.
I married Robert.
I found out I was pregnant.

2008: [bad]
My best friend was killed in a car accident.
The same night I wrecked my van.
I went into premature labor 3 times.
I caught a virus and ended up in the hospital [all the above while rob was away doing training]
Rob and I had problems in our marriage.
My mom attempted suicide
I wrecked a friends car while i was 34 weeks pregnant thanks to a stupid illegal immigrant who didnt even have a license to drive.
My van got keyed
I stopped speaking to my foster parents.


2008: [good]
I found out I was having a beautiful baby girl.
I had my beautiful healthy perfect baby girl.
Rob got promoted.
Rob and I made it to our 1 year wedding anniversary!

2009: [bad]
Rob deployed.
Rob got blown up and almost died.
Rob had the worst roommate ever.
I had someone tell rob caylee wasn't his.
I got into a fight with my mom.
I got arrested.
I got put on probaton.
I lost every single friend I ever thought I had.

2009: [good]
Caylee started walking.
ROB SURVIVED DEPLOYMENT!
I SURVIVED DEPLOYMENT!
OUR MARRIAGE SURVIVED DEPLOYMENT!
I met kristie.
I met haley.
I deleted my myspace.
I made up with my mom.
ROB CAME HOME!

2010: [bad]
AS OF RIGHT NOW-NOTHING!! AND I PRAY IT STAYS THAT WAY

2010: [good]
I started college!!!! FINALLY!
WE ARE MOVING
I GOT A NEW CAR
WE HAVE LOTS OF MONEY IN SAVINGS!
I HAVE MY FOSTER PARENTS BACK
I HAVE KRISTIE BACK
I HAVE HALEY AND LITTLE MAN BACK
MY MOM GOT MARRIED TO AN AMAZING MAN WHO I LOOK AT LIKE A DAD!
ILL BE NEAR THE BEACH!
I GET TO GET A HOUSE I WILL ACTUALLY LIKE AND WANT TO LIVE IN!

AND THAT IS JUST THE BEGINNING!

My point for listing all of this is that just when you think the pain and hell will never end--- you find TRUE happiness and everything falls into place. I have always been the person to see negative in everyone and everything. I expect the worst out of people. I EXPECT TO BE SCREWED OVER! To just be 3 months into this year and for once not have everything seemingly going wrong is just astonishing to me. For once-I can kind of sit back and relax. Of course im still a worry wart and still stress a little but I am happy with who I am. I have finally found me. I can look at my past and say- I WENT THROUGH THAT AND I AM STRONGER AND BETTER BECAUSE OF IT! I would never change one single moment, take away one single tear- I want all of it. I would never be ASHLEY NICOLE if it weren't for all of my life experiences. I see many of my friends get so down on themselves and their lives. I have seen everyone I love suffer and hurt at some point or another and I just want to fix it all. But how could we ever learned if we didn't live?!? All i know is that come rain or shine, sadness or happiness- I am going to live my life the best I can and always try to see the brighter side of things. THAT IS THE PERSON I WANT TO BE!

Time Goes By So Fast

It is hard to believe that over 18 months ago I gave birth to my beautiful and perfect little Caylee-mouse! It is strange to me how time can fly by so quickly when you do not want it to in the least. I keep thinking about the day I found out I was pregnant. It was on December 18th 2007-the day after Rob had his surgery for his hernia. I will never ever forget that feeling. That unexpected beautiful surprise of a new part of our wonderful life together. I was so worried about what type of mother I would make and if I was even good enough to be a mother for a perfect little baby. All that fear evaporated the minute I held our beautiful baby girl in our arms on August 1, 2008 at 11:49 am. I knew in that moment, right then and there, that being her mommy was what I had been born to do, that no matter how much I messed up in my life, she'd never even care-because I was her mommy and she needed me.

For the past 18 months, I have had to watch her blossom from an innocent little needy baby girl into an outspoken rambunctious toddler PRINCESS! It amazes me how much she's changed and how truly intelligent she is. Everyday I spend with her just blows me away, but breaks my heart all at the same time. Just today- I walked in her room to check on her as she slept and I could not help but shed tears at how truly mesmerizing she is. How much she's grown and how as each day passes by, she's one day further away from being that sweet little baby I gave birth too. She won't need me forever and that makes me so sad. She won't always talk in toddler gibberish or play peek-a-boo with her hands over her face saying "THERE SHE IS" when asked where Caylee is... I don't want her to grow up. I don't want to let go of these moments I have with her, but I know that it is inevitable. That she will grow up and she will rebel in one way or another. I just have to pray that she always loves me in the way that she loves me now-in this time of her life. I have to just be there for her through everything and let her know I am going to be the best mommy to her I can be, no matter which mistakes she may make in her life. I am going to watch her grow and try to cherish every single moment, because I know each individual moment IS THAT LAST of that time. I am going to smile and act like it does not hurt me to watch her grow. I am going to suck in every moment and keep it sealed in a tight box in my mind and never let any of it go. She's my baby girl, and even when she is a grown woman with children of her own, in my mind and heart-she'll still be my little baby. <3

Normal Swing of Things

Rob started back to everyday work life today. It is quite weird might I add. I went from having him home none of the time, to ALL OF THE TIME, back to some of the time. It is definitely going to take some getting used to. But HEY! i can't complain, he's not deployed. He's home with his girls where he belongs. Definitely no complaining.

I can't believe it is already February 2010! WOW HOW TIME HAS FLOWN BY! I have been in kentuckesee for 5 whole years now-sure does seem like forever. This year makes 3 years since I graduated, 3 years since Rob and I got married. Lucky number 3 =] 3 months we move to Georgia!

GEORGIA! WOW-ITS ALMOST TIME! I am scared out of my mind. I lived in Louisiana for 15 years of my life-here for 5. It is going to be so weird to be in a completely new environment. To be completely away from any support system, to be just us. I don't want to fail. I want to prove everyone who made negative remarks about us moving wrong. I want to show them that it is HERE that is bad for me. That once I am away, life will be perfect. If there is a such thing-and oh I believe there is. I just can not believe it is closing in. It's almost time to close the last chapter of the old testament and open the new book to our new life. No more past. I am leaving all the bad from my past here when I move. I don't want it. I don't want to remember all the hurt and heartache. I want to let it all go. And I know I can. I am so ready to be the new me. I am ready to meet new people and have new friends. I am ready to finish school and build a great teaching career! I CAN DO THIS! .....i hope?!?......