Changes

So along with my new mentality, I think the new year is a great time to start getting every aspect of my life in order. We've been in our house since April and still have things in boxes. The lovely owner of a Bowl full of lemons is having and amazing 21 day organization challenge. If you haven't already, head over to her blog and link up and see if you can complete the challenge!!!

www.abowlfulloflemons.blogspot.com

Reflections

With the new year approaching, I guess I have been doing a lot of self-evaluation. No one likes to admit they are a failure at anything. No one likes to admit that they have been wrong in more ways than one. No one likes to admit that a big part of their life was a huge mistake. People want to know that they have done what was right and it all amounted to something, all the pain and suffering counts for something.
I have spent so many years over the past 6 years [yes it will be 6 whole years on January 26th since I left Louisiana] playing the victim role. I have spend much of the time wondering how I could possibly be such a bad person that "God" would make my life so miserable. I used the abuse and the missing love in my life [especially after I was placed in foster care], the crappy boyfriends--- all as an excuse to be down on myself and throw one big pity party- Even though I purposely was not trying to do so. I think that I have changed so much, that I can look back now and see all of my mistakes--- 6 years later [and less for some things] and I finally can say, you know what- you did it.

I always thought about how awful my life was... but what I failed to look at was the good. Yes my mom is bipolar and much of her illness was taken out on me, but I also had a mother who never missed a field trip or awards ceremony. She went to every single game I ever cheered at, even if it were hours away. She volunteered nearly all her free time at my schools and with my friends. She would rub my legs for hours when I got growing pains so bad I couldn't walk. She rubbed my head when I had a migraine. She held me as I cried after every loss of a friend of boyfriend. She was there, even if she wasn't perfect.

I never looked at the reason why I picked all the wrong guys to date. Why every single one cheated, why they treated me like dirt. It was because I thought it was what I deserved. My own dad chose drugs over me, my mom chose drugs over me-- or so I saw it- so why would I ever deserve someone to love me. Talk about dysfunctional right?

I have gone through friends like crazy. I always thought it was everyone else's fault. I was the one being wronged. I was the one who was continuously getting screwed over. You know what I failed to see- that I hurt people. That I continuously find little things about someone when I get close to them, that allows me to dislike them, to push them away. I don't trust- even when I tell them I do. I give my all in a friendship, but I also do everything in my power to push them away once they break down my barrier. I've been the reason for all my lost friendships [minus a few]. I am alone aside from my family because of my own accord, because I can't get over my personality and who I am to be a better person. I have lost some really great people because I am hard to deal with- I MAKE IT HARD TO DEAL WITH ME! I want people to work for it, I want to be worth the fight to someone.

I have gone to years of counseling and none of this I discovered through that, it's just been all me. I've seen it over time. Of course my husband and aunt have been right there to try to make me see this without hurting me, but as usual- I just have to find everything out the hard way, on my own.

I'm sick of being THAT PERSON- the one people don't want to be around because she is so guarded. I don't want to push people away and I don't want to show my daughter that as far I've come, the pain of past still gets the best of me. I have overcome sooooo much and for the most part, I did it alone [up until I met Robert]. I fail to see my own strength and take all that has happened as me as a positive thing. I have become an even more negative person than I was as a child and have used my life experience as an excuse to be that way. I don't want to be this way anymore.

I know it's going to be hard, and I have a lot of things about myself that I need to change, but I also know that I have a few amazing people who can help me  get there. I have changed so much but I know there is a long road ahead but what better reason to do it than my beautiful perfect little girl. I can and WILL be the best person I can be.

Christmas

Christmas was great. It was a little lonely without our families even slightly close but it was nice to get to have our own time together. We got Caylee a train table for Christmas [as trains are her obsession] and I don't think I have ever seen my daughter so happy in the 2 1/2 years since she was born lol. I made Bruschetta Chicken for dinner [seeing that we both despise ham and that's a traditional Christmas dinner] and we sang happy birthday to "Baby Jesus"! Caylee talked on the phone to her godparents, grandparents and GREAT GRANDPARENTS and was telling them about her trains and it being baby jesus' birthday today [well yesterday]. We did the usual, which is light a fire and watch a Christmas story [Rob's all-time favorite movie]. It was truly the best Christmas I've ever had in my life, as simple as it may have been. Here are a few pics! Hope you all enjoyed your Christmas too!

As for New Year's. I believe we are spending it with our friends, Tiffani & Jeff. Hope everyone has amazing rest of the holiday season!

All I Want For Christmas

We got Caylee her puppy today. He is absolutely perfect. The sweetest, most lovable little man ever! He and our other dog get along great and he follows Caylee around like a little "Shadow". It made my heart melt to see her laughing and playing with him all day. Here is a cute pic from today.

PS. Reading everyone's FB statuses and blogs, and having everyone find out they are expecting- I really got to thinking. I wonder if I mail my kindle back and my reebok shoes and spend less money, be more positive and not complain so much, if God will give me my baby too. Oh well, until then I will be happy with all I have and spoil my new little puppy, my older dog and my perfect little princess [and I suppose the hubby too]. Hope you all have a great wonderful Christmas and remember to be thankful for all of your many blessing and remember the real reason for the season <3 

New Addition [fingers crossed]

Tomorrow we drive to a town about 20 minutes away from where we are stationed to meet hopefully a new member of our family. His name is Shadow and he is a 10 week old Lab/Shepherd mix. He is PERFECT! here is a picture of him. Might I say he looks about as spoiled as our daughter actually is. She's been asking for a puppy all week and when I saw the adoption ad for this little man, I just knew he was the one. Keeping our fingers crossed that everything goes perfectly tomorrow and we take our handsome little man home =]

New Year, New Life?

With the new year approaching, Rob and I have been discussing a lot of things. We have a lot of habits in our lives that can't really be considered "good" for us, financially or physically/mentally. Here are some of the changes we want to WILL accomplish for 2011!

1. Have an emergency fun set up as well as pay off the credit cards [again and for good]. We haven't gotten ourselves into horrible amounts of debt [we are definitely under 5 thousand] but I feel that my boredom with this town and my new found addiction for online shopping can only lead to trouble. I think that it's better to rid ourselves of the debt for good and hide the credit cards [since we clearly think everything is an emergency lol]. I have always been extremely responsible with money, but as I said, my boredom here has really fed my need to online shop. I will pay my cards off for good and probably give them to my aunt to hold just so they are there but not within my reach for when I have one of my moments lol.

2. Start a workout plan. I've really been unhappy with my body lately. As a matter of fact, I was in tears only a few days ago because I couldn't button my favorite shirt that fit only 2 months ago. My stomach is close to the biggest I have ever been and it really does nothing but make my many insecurities even worse. I'm not saying I want to be a size zero but I want to take what I have and tone up and get my endurance back up. I think it'll do me a lot of good physically [with as much as i get headaches] and mentally. With Rob being on color guard, he doesn't do PT anymore and he's now becoming self-conscious about his weight. Together, we'll make ourselves look amazing and fit and hopefully it'll help our relationship even more too lol.

3. This year, I have become quite negative. I think it even surpasses how I was last year while Rob was in Iraq and that's no good for me, or my daughter. I really want to work on how I see things, my response to things [which I definitely have gotten better at] and basically my life view altogether.

4. I want to truly rid myself from all the negative influences in my life. Any person that has been a downfall in my progress and growth, any person who holds others back, shoddy friends, careless family members. I want to let go of the anger I feel towards all of these things and people for their lack of effort. The only way I can do this is to just cut them out completely. It'll make me a better me.


So these are my goals and usually, I suck at following through with things. However, this time, I WILL SUCCEED! I want to be the best me that I can be. Caylee is getting older and there are so many qualities about myself that I would never want her to inherit. So I will keep you all updated on my progress [and hopefully very little fall backs] and would really appreciate all the support I know you will give! I'm excited to see the year that is approaching us!

A Little Time Away Does The Spirit Good

Well, it is obvious that I have been absent from the blogging world for a few weeks now. I decided to go spend a week with my aunt and uncle in Fort Benning, Ga last week. Rob stayed home obviously for work reasons, but Caylee and I went for a week just to get away. I'm not sure why I was so desperately depending on this little get-a-way but it definitely did good things for my spirit. I guess the absence of my "friends", Rob's leave getting denied, along with a few other things, all kinda had me sinking into a depression. While some people may let the depression grab a hold of them, I am the type of person who wants to do any and everything she can to keep herself from getting sucked in. So I left for my trip, spent time talking to my aunt about life and the course that has been taken over the past few years, the ways I have changed since I moved in with her when I was 15, how far my little cousins [who you will often see me refer to as my brother and sister] have come, especially Ryan who is diagnosed Autistic. Let's just say, I've come a long way from the broken girl I was 6 years ago and while I fight a constant battle, it's nice to hear my aunt say she is proud of all I have accomplished and that I have taken control of things and broken the cycle of abuse that was present for me, my mom, grandma, etc.

I got to spend some time with my little sister [aka my cousin Sabrina] and it is quite weird. She is 13 years old now and such a little teenager. It really makes me sad to see her grow up. She is facing peer pressure and is sadly finding out what it's like to be self conscious because of ones looks and weight. I am so proud of the fact that she is an honor roll student, she's a good girl and she really is just such a positive person [for the most part]. It makes me sad when I think that she may possibly lose that sunshine she's always had. She seems to just be sad all the time now and I'm not sure why. Probably depression, as it runs in both sides of the family but I don't want to watch her fade like I did. I'm so thankful she has my aunt for her mom.

My little brother [aka my cousin Ryan] is autistic. He went from having major meltdowns constantly to being truly a joy to be around. He is 15 but sometimes, it's more like he's maybe 5. He still likes to snuggle and give eskimo kisses. He adores Caylee and he hates change with anything. He has come so far and it's crazy to believe that he is in High school right now. He is learning very quickly that sometimes it's best to say nothing at all. Let's just say I'm beyond words in my pride for my aunt's success with him. He's my little [big] buddy!


I realize I'm kind of jumbled and jumping all over but I have so much I want to say. I cut my hair super short again and really like it. Although, it definitely makes me self-conscious about my weight [which hopefully some will be gone soon, since we're starting the gym at the beginning of the year]. Rob will be staying on the color guard for at least 2 years, which kinda bums me out. It's a great honor for him [being that it's for the WHOLE DIVISION] but it gets irritating that they tell us one thing then do another.

I'm quite irritated at the idea of friendship right now. I thought friendship was a 2 way street- that it was easy and fun. Well sadly, I seem to find all the people that need the most work to make the friendship work. My aunt told me this week that if a friendship has to be questioned or is more work than fun, it's really not worth it- so when do I toss in the towel? It irritates me when I allow people into my life, just for them to be what I like to call "absent" friends- really only there when it's convenient. Ahh such is life I suppose. I have been lucky enough to find a friend that is more fun than work [actually she's no work at all]. She's not just there when it's convenient, and she truly cares about other people aside from herself. She's positive and loves with all she has. She is the type of person I searched for in a friend my whole life--- now I just have to keep reminding myself not to screw this one up lol.

Well I think that is all the new stuff I have and I promise that I will try to start back up blogging again!

FFI # 4

1. If you were given $1,000 right now, how would you spend it?
Put it towards my star card.

2. If you had to choose a movie title (a real one that already exists) for your life story, what would it be?

Cinderella 

3. If you were a teacher, what subject would you like to teach? 

Literature or Psychology

4. Has being a MilSpouse changed how you view holidays or how your holidays are celebrated? If so, how? If not, what hasn’t changed?
It really hasn't changed anything. I was used to spending the holidays with my family, but now that I have my own little family, it's not so hard. We have created out own traditions. We always spend Christmas morning at home. Sometimes we'll do thanksgiving with family or we'll just stay home with friends. I don't think that the military life really has that much affect over our traditions.

5. What is your favorite Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) memory?
I don't really have a favorite. I do remember the one year I walked in on my mom putting my presents under the tree [aka the year i found santa clause wasn't real] and I just remember laughing at the look on her face, as if I had broke her heart. 

Pour Your Heart Out

My first edition of pour your heart out sponsored by Shell at "Things I Can't Say"

Ever since I left Louisiana in 2005, I've kind of had a set plan for myself. I wanted to go to college, get my degree while being in the military, fall in love, then have a family. I went through a long list of trials and tribulations in between 2005 and 2007 [when I met my husband], things I never thought I could survive. Issues with my mom, the abuse, leaving the place I had lived in my whole life to go to kentucky to live with my aunt, getting put in foster care, getting moved to multiple foster homes and a group home because I was a "lost cause", the "love of my life" being sent to prison for murdering someone, my daddy dying, getting expelled from my high school, being raped-all just to name a few. I never thought I could be strong enough to get through those things.

I came out alive, met a wonderful man and of course my whole life plan changed but in an amazing way.

Since I was a child, I always said I wanted a big family [well for me that would be about 2 or 3 kids since I was an only child]. All i ever wanted was to work with children, have children and take care of my family. Rob and I got married November 1, 2007 and on December 17th, 2007, we got the beautiful news [and quite unexpected news] that we were expecting our first beautiful baby. We never planned on getting pregnant so soon but were ecstatic to have something, a part of both us, that we could devote our lives and selves to. I never in my life expected to be where I am now.

Although we weren't planning on it happening so soon, I got pregnant "trying". We never used protection and often talked about how much it would change our lives in a good way to have a child. It has been 2 years since I gave birth to our beautiful daughter and while I am so beyond words in the love I feel for her, and the amount I cherish her, I still feel this ache down to my soul for another baby. We started trying when Robert got back from Iraq, it will be a year December 21 that he has been home.

I try to be happy for my friends who are finding out they are pregnant but it's just not there. I literally get sick to my stomach and end up with a headache from the pain I feel in my heart. Some people have just been awful about it, saying I don't love my daughter because I'm not "happy" with just her, that I'm ungrateful--- well that's not the case. My daughter is EVERYTHING TO ME! However, that doesn't mean I don't deserve, she doesn't deserve, to have a brother or sister. I can't imagine my life without her so why can't for once in my life I be allowed to be "selfish" and want another beautiful blessing? Why does wanting to give my whole life to my children have to be so hard for some people to understand.

Every month, I go through it over and over again. Of course I don't think about it during sex, but once it's time for mother nature to make her appearance, I instantly feel sick. The constant pregnancy tests and wondering "is this is?". The secret disgust I feel at myself. The comments people make when all I want is a "I am here if you need". I can't even talk to anyone about it, not even my mom- I just get instantly pissed off when someone says "be patient"- I've been patient for a year while watching everyone else [some not even wanting it] get the one thing in life I want. I get tired of hearing "Be thankful you have one child" or "It'll happen when God's read" or "It'll happen when you stop trying". Why can't people just have a little empathy. My husband and I hurt from this but no one seems to understand how we both feel.

I just don't know where to start or what to do. I know that while I am fine for a while, there isn't much more time before I fall into a deep hole. Every month, my heart breaks a little more and makes me feel like I am useless. Why, after all I have gone through, must life continue to be unfair. Why can some people have it so easy- be so blessed but me and so many others are cursed to carry all that pain, and continue to be "punished". Every month, I find it a little harder to believe there could be a God so heartless...

I don't want pity, I just want understanding. This should be a cake walk for me and for some reason it is the hardest thing I have had to go through yet. My heart breaks for anyone who has had to experience this or even worse, never be able to have a chile [or another one]. It is an unbearable heartache and takes such a toll on everyone around.