Yes. So my last blog post was pretty depressing. I'm not sure this one is going to be much better. - I'll just blame it on the hormones pregnancy has brought along with it.
I feel alone- yep I said it. I feel absolutely positively alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Every person who has come into my life has said they'd be there when the going got tough and usually, I've faced the going along. The only person who's actually been there through it all is Rob.
On that note: He's leaving again. He's actually going again. I've been trying to pep talk myself into accepting this, and I think in all honesty, I was okay with it before I got pregnant. We stopped trying for this reason exactly. He missed everything our daughter did the first year of her life. He left 2 days after she turned 5 months and didn't come home until she was 17 months. He had to watch her first step through webcam. He had to hear her cry for him and know that he couldn't even pick her up. at 5 months old, my child was not stupid. When Rob left- she didn't eat for days. She cried constantly [which was a RARITY]. Then at 1 he came home for R&R and when he left to go back she grabbed onto his uniform with super strength and it took all of mine and his strength to pull her off and we repeated the no eating and constant crying that happened when she was 5 months.
It's disgustingly sad when your child freaks out every time you or someone she loves walks out the door. I finally have her partially accepting that Rob is going to work and will be back home at the end of the day. But what do I do when this deployment hits and daddy leaves one day again and doesn't come home for a year. How do I explain that?
I'm not suggesting that I regret that I'm pregnant. We tried so long and hard for this--- but. but I can't imagine Rob not being here when I give birth- he's leaving only 1 1/2 months before I do. And even worse I can't imagine him missing all the firsts again. He's having a hard time with it. i'm having a hard time with it and in all honesty, i'm becoming bitter. Bitter at every civilian family. Bitter because they complain about a week away when my children have to go without their daddy for an entire year. And you know what, I've heard it before "Well you chose this life, you chose to have kids" - you know what- that's pure idiotic thinking. I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND. I chose to not fight my love for him and marry him and yes I knew what the army entailed but it doesn't make it any easier and if WE didn't do this then who in the hell would?
I'm not just bitter at the civilian families but I'm bitter with my friends. I feel like everyone says they are going to be there but when it comes down to it- no one is. I had so many people tell me last time they would be there for me and I had ONE person [aside from my aunt of course] and she ended up going away halfway through and i did the last half of deployment on my own. This time I just don't see it being any different. I'm already hitting my downhill - not wanting to accept he's leaving again- and none of my friends even care to notice that I'm hurting. It's frustrating to feel alone. To feel like the only person in the world who is constantly my rock is leaving again. I got through deployment fine last year but after he got hurt, I'm scared for another deployment. I don't want to have to explain to my daughter again that daddy had to leave. I just don't want to.
Excuse my massive complaining. I just needed to get that out.
