It's Finally Time!

Challenges come so we can grow and be prepared for things we are not equipped to handle now. When we face our challenges with faith, prepared to learn, willing to make changes, and if necessary, to let go, we are demanding our power be turned on. -Iyanla Vanzant

Well I decided to post a quick blog before the movers get here. It is 7:52 Am and they should be here any minute now. I just cannot believe it-It is finally time. By tomorrow, this entire house will be completely empty. Our life here at Fort Campbell is finally over. What we have been waiting for so long is finally here. I have been here 5 miserable years and now I am finally free. No matter how much I tell people how excited I am, they always say things like "Well, you will have problems everywhere you live. That is just life." They just don't get it. They don't get the things I have gone through, They couldn't even begin to fathom what it is like for me to live here after all of the crap I have gone through. I have to remember that pain and hurt and I don't want to. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me or knows everything I have gone through. I just want to be happy Ashley and for my family to be happy. That place for us, is Georgia. I do not care how many people hate it or think it is the worst place on earth- not for me. It's our new home. It is something we begged for. SO BRING IT ON =] 

So as you probably have guessed, I will be without internet for a while. The movers won't be bringing our furniture until at least the 29th and I can't really get anything hooked up without our furniture. As soon as we are settled in and things are in place, I'll be posting another blog! KEEP US IN YOUR PRAYERS THAT EVERYTHING GOES SMOOTHLY! FOUR DAYS TIL I AM FREE OF THIS PLACE!!!!

How do you let go?

The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort? Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live? I mean, is there something wrong with society that's making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it? -John Lennon


So here it is 6 am and I really haven't slept all night. Mainly because I had a dream last night about Daddy. I am not sure if it is because his birthday just passed or if because in just a few weeks marks the 3rd anniversary of his death. I just know that I don't want to dream of him, that it does nothing for the pain and the anger except make it worse.


It has been almost 3 years and as time goes by I just get even more angry. Angry because yet again the drugs were more important. More important than my happiness, more important than watching me walk down the isle to receive my diploma a week later, more important than seeing the life I have built for myself, more important than meeting my husband and daughter, more important than seeing me grow into the woman I have become. My mom says all the time that I shouldn't be angry, that drugs have a hold on people. Well you know what, I just think that is bull. There are people who get clean and sober all the time and I can't help but think that this whole "product of your environment" crap is just that-A LOAD OF CRAP! People make choices. People decide what they want for themselves and their children. My whole life, I was surrounded by drugs. My mom did them, my dad did them, most of my friends did them, ALL of my family did them. BUT I DIDN'T! I hate to even drink really. It hurts to think that my dad made his choice. He chose to get high that day knowing that just a week later I was graduating. He chose to miss most of my life because he wanted a "fix". I just don't get it, nor will I probably ever. I just know it hurts. I know that is something that I will never get over and pain that will never ever go away. It's been 3 whole years and I am still so angry. I don't know if it is because of why or when or the fact that I didn't get to even go to his funeral to get closure. I know it's real. I know he's gone. I have been to his grave several times since then to put flowers and a pic of caylee and to let him know that I am still Daddy's Little Princess. You know, it's such a shitty feeling when there are hardly any good memories, mostly only ones of him being high or drunk and forgetting that he promised to pick me up for the weekend. I was little but I remember. And I remember my mom always trying to make excuses for him so I wouldn't hate him. And I remember her holding me while I cried because YET AGAIN he forgot about me. There are good memories, like him calling me princess pretty much my whole life, or him teaching me how to ride a bike in his front yard, or the time when i was really really little and I stabbed him in the hand with the fork and he just gave me that look loll. Or the times we went to uncle Shane's so I could play with Candace and Chris. Christmas at the house with my grandma and aunt kitty and all my little cousins and big cousin blane. I remember all that, but for some reason-it's the painful memories like him getting so drunk while he had me at a fair when i was only a toddler, that the police had to take me and bring me back home, or him getting high with me sitting right next to him, or the DOZENS of times he was supposed to pick me up for the weekend but was too drunk to remember. That hurts. And I just don't get why I was never important enough for him. I just want to know. I just wish I could ask, "Daddy, why was I never good enough?" I hear he has another daughter and I am thankful that she didn't have to know him like I did because I would rather not have to live with this pain and anger. I would rather never have to remember all the hurt he caused me as a kid and the hate I felt for my mother because I thought she was just being mean. In my eyes, that girl is lucky.


I just have to end by saying that in a way I am thankful. I am thankful because I am the parent [no offense to you momma] that my parents never were. My daughter will never be exposed to the drugs and alcohol like I was. She will never in her life question "Why aren't I as important as the drugs?" She will never EVER as long as I live have to worry about being forgotten because I am too high to remember I promised to pick her up. She will NEVER feel that pain. It is hard enough for me to live with, to know that Daddy will never ever meet her or see the precious and beautiful little girl she is. And how much she is just like me. She'll never know that.

One less matter making me sweat

Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold.  But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.  ~Douglas Pagels, These Are the Gifts I'd Like to Give to You


I had to list this quote because it's so perfect for the things I am going through right now. It has been a very stressful few weeks. I must say though, that no matter how much I stress or how wrong things seem to being going- they always end up falling right into place. I spend so much time living a life full of heart attacks [figuratively speaking] instead of enjoying the wonderful things that I live through each and everyday. Once this PCS is over, I think I need a break. Just a break from the stress and freaking out-time to gather myself to gather and really take in the blessing of a life I have.


I let Caylee go this week. She is staying the entire week [from last Saturday to this Saturday] with Grandma and Grandpa. It is the longest time I have ever been away from her and I will NOT lie- It is hard. I swear I hear her crying or calling for me. I even catch myself going to her door to check in on her. Even with me missing like crazy, I have to say that it's a huge sigh of relief for me. I have been playing mommy non-stop for the past 2 years and I just needed some me time. Some US time for me and Rob. It's been nice to go back to married life without a baby. We were only married a two months when I found out I was pregnant so it's really been no alone time for us. It's really allowing us to prepare for this move with a little less on our plate. But man-do I miss that little girl. I talked to her on the phone last night and it took everything I had not to cry. I just don't know who I am when she's not here. It's quite weird. I guess I better get used to it. I can already tell she is going to be one of those kids who is never home. I am ok with that though- I just want her to be the happiest princess in the world =]


As of next monday- I am officially done with my probation crap. My probation officer has been amazing. He knows we have to be down in Georgia the 26th to close on the house so he decided to just see mer two weeks back to back so that I don't have to say an extra amount of time to end my time with him. ONE HUGE RELIEF AND WEIGHT OFF OF MY CHEST! Now for the last stress factor holding us back-we need housing to do our inspection next Friday so that we aren't stuck having to come back up here. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS BASE! Housing is the last part holding us in. I know everything will work out just how it's supposed to though...


So my tip of the day- Take time to appreciate the good in life rather than always focusing on the stressful aspects. You may just be missing out on some pretty important events if you are too busy worrying about what bad could happen =]

All things work out

I just have to begin by apologizing- It has been weeks since the last time I blogged. It has been one hectic month so far in April. The next few weeks I probably will not be blogging too much simply because we are in the process of preparing to PCS! CRAZY TIMES AHEAD!

Well, WE GOT THE HOUSE! I really can't believe it. It still seems to good to be true. It's everything I dreamed of for our starter home. It's in a quiet neighborhood, not too far from post, huge backyard! It's perfect for us! I can't wait till we close [which will be happening the 26th of this month] and we can move in and get our HOME together. For once it's not just a house we are living in. It's ours. It's just ours. Something we can take pride in and love. I just pray we don't end up having to PCS. But we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

We are out of Fort Hell AKA Fort Campbell in the next two weeks and I can not believe it's finally time. It's such a huge and GREAT change for me and my family. Rob's just as excited as I am. I have already met some pretty amazing ladies down there. They all have been so welcoming and make me feel like Georgia is where I am "supposed to be".  The best part is that they aren't immature little drama whores. They are mature and try to avoid drama-that's a huge difference from most of the "crazies" here. I can't wait to get to know some of them better! I am so ready to start this new chapter in my life. But anyway- That is all for now. I will try and post more within the next month but it is probably going to be a bit hectic so please bare with me =] I LOVE YOU GUYS!