Military Blog Hop & Workout Milestone =]

So first off. If you haven't participated before. Head on over to Eat pray love live. and get your blog listed under to meet some new military wifey/girfriend friends =]

So today was a very good day for me. I didn't get very much sleep last night and woke up this morning with no motivation whatsoever. Sunday was the first day I missed at the gym and only because there is no childcare. Today I was constantly battling to either go to the gym or not go and let my lack of energy win. Thanks to my best friend Tiffani, I pushed myself to go.

Little did I know, that lack of energy and a little motivation from Tiff, I would surpass all of my success in the past week and actually the past few years. I am completely out of shape- the first day I stepped on the elliptical and tread mill I thought I would pass out from lack of oxygen [okay maybe not I'm sure some of you get what I mean]. Today I not only ran part of it, but I ACTUALLY PASSED A MILE without stopping or taking a break. I made it to a mile and a quarter and ran part of that in less than 20 minutes. I was on a 9.5 or higher incline 95% of the time and when I wasn't on a high incline, I was running as my best friend sat there and kept telling me I could do it, I was almost there. 

I was so tired when I was finished but it felt SO GREAT! ONE WEEK and i've lost over 2 pounds and I worked my endurance up to. I never thought I could do it. I know it will only get easier yet harder but I know i have great people to keep me at it. Today was a great day- the best one I've had in a while! and the hubby even rewarded me with my own flat screen tv in our bedroom so I don't have to bug him when he wants his COD time =] 

On a Roll to Losing My Rolls :)

It has not even been a full week yet since I began my life changing diet/workout plan and I could not be happier. I have gone to the gym every day but one, and in that one day I spent my 30 minutes at home doing a kick ass Jillian Michael's workout [that seriously kicked my butt] on her 30 day Shred video. In less than 5 days I have lost almost 2 1/2 pounds!!

I have to admit, I was a bit anxious about starting this work out thing. I've always kind of sucked at following through with things and especially with consistently sticking through them. I usually fail at something and just give up completely- but not with this. My best friend Tiffani and husband have been seriously along for the ride, working out right along side of me and pushing me to do my best- even when all I want to do is give up on myself. It's an amazing feeling to have two people who mean so much right there to motivate me and send me positive vibes my way. They don't ever say anything negative, they just tell me not to give up- that I can do this.

I've had a lot of people say "Oh you're not fat, you look fine, you don't need to lose weight" etc. Tiff and Rob don't say that- but they don't disagree either. They just tell me they are going to help me no matter what to get me happy with me again. It's so comforting.

So with my "measly" 2.5 pounds I am SUPER proud and can't wait to see my progress come May when we are at the huge concert [consisting of ALL of mine and Rob's favorite rock bands] and my oldest friend's wedding! I will be tan and fit and comfortable enough in my own skin to wear a dress and FLAUNT IT!!!

Another thing is that I just feel good. I've been kind of a crappy pot lately, especially with my daughter's terrible twos hitting us FULL FORCE [it's like having a teenager in my house with all her "GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE, NO, ILL DO WHAT I WANT" Yea that's right. It's been tough and I gave her the first spanking she has ever had a few weeks ago. It's been a nightmare. But working out and tanning again help me to feel better. I have energy and I'm up and moving around non-stop. It's great. Now if only there was a cure for my two year olds' smart mouth. lol.

Boots Update

So this morning we had to drop our dog Boots at the Vet today to spend the whole day there for his first dose of heartguard after starting his other pills. The vet had us do this because he was really worried that Boots would get sick from the heartguard.

For those of you who didn't see the post yesterday, we took our 3 year old dog in yesterday for his yearly vaccinations and checkup and his heartworm test came back positive.

Well anyway, the vet was EXTREMELY surprised and happy at the fact that Boots didn't get sick, which means that the heart worms aren't has bad as he expected them to be. There are no larvae present which means the heartworms are sterile from the heart meds he's been taken the last year. The fact that he didn't get sick also means we have a better chance of ridding the worms without any serious side affects. We are going to keep him on the meds he's on now for the next month and then take him back in to run more tests and see what method we want to end up going with. I will let you all know what's going on!

Well today was awful. We got some pretty bad news - Our baby boy aka our dog Boots, is positive for heartworms. It's gonna be very very expensive to get rid of them completely. For now, the vet has him on a pill that will kill the bacteria the worms feed on and he wants to keep him on his heartgard to stop any more from infecting him. This is like so heartbreaking. Boots is the best dog EVER. All 3 of us are so attached to him, as is anyone else who comes into contact with him. I don't care what I have to do, I will make sure my baby is taken care of... But it really put a damper in my day- especially since it was so unexpected. He's been on heartworm protection and the vet said his heart sounds great and he shows no signs of having anything wrong with him but they did the test TWICE! =[ it really just sucks.

O'er the weekend =]

This weekend was by far the best I've had in a long time. Friday, all the guys [my hubby, my friend Tiffani's husband, my other friend Megan's husband, and their husband's friend, R] went gun shopping and the hubby got a nice little 9mm smith and wesson =] Then they decided to all go on a road trip to pick up R's little boy. We just had girls night and hung out talking about our lives... Then Saturday we had a nice little get together/BBQ at Tiff's house. Had a few drinks and lots and lots of laughs. Then yesterday I was sick from her husband burning pine so I slept most of the day.

Today was crazy. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I HATE shopping but seeing that I've gained a bit of weight [ESPECIALLY IN MY BOOBS]. Well I hit the JACKPOT tonight- maybe because the girls were there with me but man am I gonna be looking snazzy this summer =]

As of tomorrow, I start the gym and tanning again [all thanks to Tiff getting me back in the mood] - got me nice and hot when I go to the Carolina Rebellion concert in may then my best friend's wedding later that week! I'm ready to get back to thinking good thoughts about my body! I should totally do before and after pics!!

Well hope everyone is having a great Presidents' Day!! Love you guys

Dear You

Dear You,

It has been over 6 long years that you've had your claws in me, you've had the power of infiltrating my thoughts. It's been 6 years that I've blamed myself for all of your actions, that I've played the guilt in my mind over and over and over again. I had a photo challenge the other day, and it said I had to pick someone I wish I could forget, and of course you were the first person to come to mind. I always considered you my first love, but now I know you were nothing but my first disease. I was in love with the idea of being able to save you, of making a man out of you- sick I know but I didn't realize that was the case till now. You were broken, I was broken- We were just one big jumble of broken-ness. I thought I could save you and I thought that you might be able to save me too. But boy was I wrong. You were nothing but an ailment. You played sick, twisted games with my head for years- and in a way, you still have that power over me. All these years later, I still blame myself for you actions, for you choosing to commit murder. I still blame myself because I left you- I needed to save myself and now your face haunts me because I blame myself. I don't love you anymore, I in fact HATE YOU- EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! All the words you spoke to me, all the ways you went out of your way to hurt me, the fact that you could KILL someone and then play like YOU are the victim! I hate that you took the last bit of innocence I had left- I hate that I let you. I hate that even after I met my husband and was married, you thought you still had a chance--- that I'd come running to you to raise my daughter--- THE AUDACITY for you to think such a thing. I hate that you can be so ruthless, you can threaten my life- my family and that I can be stupid enough to worry about what is happening to you while you are in prison. Maybe it's because you were there when I had nothing left, such a sick relationship we had. I was too good for you, and I hate that I didn't see that 6 years ago... but you know, I was a kid- young and stupid and so very DESPERATE for someone to love me, that I settled for you. I gave my whole self to you- something I will forever regret. What girl wants to remember her first love, the guy who took her innocence, as a damn murderer.... You ruined so much of my life, you are why I left Louisiana, why my aunt didn't want me to live with her anymore, why I fought with my foster parents, why I lost the girl I thought was my best friend... but hey- maybe you were a blessing in disguise. If the saying that everything happens for a reason is true, than you are that everything and my amazing husband is my reason.

Having him, I have realized everything you are not. You will never be a millionth of the man he is. He doesn't lie to me, cheat on me, downgrade me, make me do things I would never normally do. He loves me so much and would do ANYTHING to make me happy- he's never selfish and never makes things about HIMSELF. He's a wonderful husband and the best father I could have ever hoped for for my children! I am so thankful life took me where I am because Lord only knows I probably wouldn't be here had it not been for you....

In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is my goodbye letter. I'm ripping your claws out. I'm kicking you out of my head, my life. I refuse to have any more nightmares about you, of me trying to save you from your mistakes. IT WASNT MY FAULT! and I have finally come to terms with that. I have lived for 6 years wondering if me not being selfish and staying there would have saved you... but I know that had I not been selfish- I'd have died. I know it.

So Goodbye to you, to my past, you are the last piece that I needed to let go of. and today is my day to do just that. You won't be able to haunt my dreams anymore. I've burned every letter, every single item you ever touched. I'll change the radio station when I hear something that makes me think of you, I'll erase every memory from my brain. I hate you like I've never hated any other... I want you gone for good... You're the last broken piece of myself and it's time to pick of my pieces and realize you were nothing but a temporary piece of the puzzle to the bigger picture. May you rot in prison where you belong and think of all you've done to me and know that this is someone you will NEVER have control over again...


With Deepest Hate,
Ashley

Stupid Baby Fever [UPDATE]

I just want to start off by saying thank you to all those who left comments or privately emailed me about my first post. It was very heat of the moment and a very hard thing to talk about, especially with it dealing with my marriage. Rob and I have spent the past few days talking about a lot of things dealing with this subject and in the end I now know that he hurts just as much as I do about this baby situation but he just doesn't express it the way that I do.

Among things we've talked about, is the fact that our obsession with adding to our family is taking away from Caylee- our number one priority right now. The constant sadness this is beginning to bring me is just not fair to my daughter, or Robert for that matter. I have to learn that sometimes, things just aren't meant to happen when we want them.

I can say that this situation has taught me many things- one, I do not necessarily believe in a "God" anymore [please no negative comments] but I am okay with that. I know that things aren't always going to be good and that it's not "God" I need to look to for answers or strength, it's myself, my husband, and my daughter that I need to look to- they are constant and they are always there and I can prove that.

Another thing I can say I have learned is that I now know that I need to learn to let go. Let go of my selfishness and my wants and focus on what is best for my family, even if that means I have to be patient with the baby thing. This is going to take time- and even though it's been over a year already, I am only 21- Rob is only 23- We have many more years to make this happen.

With Rob being in the army, we are blessed to have great insurance, this way we can get testing done and figure out where to start. If this takes another 6 months or 3 years, that's okay- because it's what is meant to be. If I end up never having another child, I would be sad but at least I can say that I was blessed with the most perfect child to start with.

It is going to be hard to not hurt when I see yet another person who isn't necessarily deserving of such a blessing, or even those who are deserving- but I know that one day it will be my turn again. I have to let go of the pain for a while and try and realize that this is something in my life WE CANT CONTROL!

I think maybe that's a big issue for me, another thing I have no say in. All I wanted was my babies close together- to complete my family before I got too old- maybe that's more of a hardship for me than actually not having a baby right now, knowing that I'm helpless to this situation.

I plan on making an appointment when I am home, because if there is a problem with either Rob or myself, we need to know. It will possibly be a long road but until we get this, I will have to try to be patient and stop this pain from getting the best of me, from taking me from my husband and daughter.

Thanks to all of you who have proved to be true friends in this struggle. I know I have not been the easiest person to deal with while I have been going through this heartache. I am so blessed to have the wonderful husband, family and friends that I have because you all have proved that you TRULY love and support me! I am grateful to have you all to count on on this long walk! I love you guys!

V-day

I see so many statuses and blog posts about Valentine's day and I wanted to just take the time to give my feelings on this day.

For me, today [growing up] was always a day I longed for someone to hold my hand or buy me flowers. Someone to spend the rest of my life with and grow old with. The last Valentine's Day I spent alone I was TRULY ALONE- it was Feb. 2007. I was in a group home, no friends, no family, the man I thought I loved was in prison for murder. It just sucked. Who would have ever thought that one year from that day I'd be married to the man of my dreams and even be expecting a little bundle of joy.

For Rob and I, we have never really celebrated this day. As much as we have been through, even through our rough patches, Rob has never failed to show me how much he loves me EVERY SINGLE DAY! It's always random days of him coming home with flowers, or foot massages, or just him telling me a million times a day that I'm perfect and he loves me. It's something that I would have laughed at the thought of having in Feb. 2007. I never thought I deserved it but Rob has more than showed me that I do deserve him and that even when the world around me seems to be falling apart, he's right there and he can make it all right. It's been nearly 4 years we have been together and it has been truly the best 4 years of my life- even with this baby issue, I know that I am the luckiest woman in the world to be blessed with a man so wonderful as Robert- someone who can love me through all my flaws and when I didn't really deserve to be loved at all. He's my miracle and I just wanted to take the time to let the world know that today is just another day of love for us, with many more to go.

This was the day Rob left for Iraq in 2009 but it is one of my favorite pictures of the two of us <3 

Robert - Thank you for all you have given me. The love we share is something  I could have only ever hoped for, never did I think it was real. You show me everyday that fairytales to really exist and I just want you to know that you are my everything- my best friend, my soulmate, my lover- all wrapped into one.

Stupid Baby Fever

Ugh I hate myself right now! I really do! I just got into a fight with Rob over the baby thing. I don't know why... I just for some reason blame him and it is making him angry because I just keep throwing it in his face about how everyone else is getting pregnant except for me... I know it's not his fault- he wants a baby just as bad as I do but I just feel so angry- not really at him but at everyone else and at myself. I feel like i'm broken- a woman is supposed to make babies, get pregnant and raise those children and I just feel like I'm such a screwup that some high power thought I didn't even deserve second baby--- why else would everyone else be getting a baby.... I don't even know why I'm posting this- I don't want to hear anymore about God or it's not my time... I DONT WANT TO FREAKING HEAR IT! I just want a baby--- I'm not asking anything selfishly?! or Am I? I'm good at being a mommy... I love my daughter so much and I want to feel that same love with another child--- why is that so hard for people to understand. I wish Rob knew how I felt, how much every single month kills me. I wish he would support me a little more, especially since I am having such a hard time dealing with this. I think he's just tired of the disappointment too and me lashing out on him- as though he has a say in anything.... I don't deserve him... I don't deserve another baby either I suppose. Maybe I didn't even deserve Caylee =[

Update

Hey everyone! I promise I'm not going to slack off forever! I am actually in Tennessee right now visiting my mom! I drove up on the 2nd and don't plan on going back home til about Tuesday or Wednesday!

It's been really fun getting to see every one. I'm definitely missing my Rob though! This is the longest we've been apart since he was in Iraq [over a year ago]. Caylee's definitely not liking it too much either- put it this way- My daughter, who is usually extremely well-behaved, has been acting out like crazy! It definitely means our trip is going to be a little shorter than usual.

As for the baby thing--- well it was another no this month! So it's official, I will be starting the medical process as soon as I get home! A few more people I know have gotten pregnant within the past few weeks and my heart just can't take it anymore! It's time to get answers and finally get my COMPLETION to our family [hopefully]. I will let you guys know how the journey goes!