Growing up and letting go

So I do not know what it is. I think it's called growing up. I have been on some sort of apology kick as of lately. I just have this feeling like it is something GOD wants me to do. Like it is the right thing to apologize to all the people I have wronged. I even went as far as to apologizing to Rob's ex for stealing him from her and rubbing it in her face [yes I KNOW mean] I just feel that being mean gets me no where but hated. And I am tired of being hated. I am starting my new life soon and I don't want to go to Georgia holding guilt from the past. I have a conscience, and my conscience tells me to make amends. I forgave my mom, I apologized to my best friend Kristie and now Amanda, and I have a list of who else I could apologize to. I am sick of hurting people just because I am unhappy at times. I am sick of being a straight bitch just for the entertainment of getting under people's skins. This is people's lives and emotions I have been playing with and it's not fair. I just know that this is not the example I want to set for my daughter. I want to have friends. All this time I have been blaming everyone else for betraying me and backstabbing me... but maybe I have been the problem all along. I am 20 years old and I have lost every friend I have ever had. Rob is the only one who has never swayed and at the rate I was going, he could have only taken so much. I don't want to one day meet my maker and him look me in the eyes and tell me I am not good enough because I was mean for no reason. I am tired of playing the victim. I am tired of hurting people. I am tired of not owning up to my mistakes and blaming everyone else for the wrongs I HAVE DONE! It's not fair. I am an adult... So why is it so hard to act like one. Why is it so hard to be a good person? All I want is to be that nice good person who everyone loves. Instead I am hated by many. I don't want that anymore. I really have got to get my butt in gear and figure out the exact time of person I want to be and stop with the damn excuses. I have made excuses for far too long! it's time for a new me... new life, new place, new me... what could be better?!?!

Back to Normal

Well it's been about a month since the last time I posted a blog. Things have been going great. It's been great having Rob home all day-everyday. In about a week he's goes back to everyday work life, which I am not too excited about. I have gotten quite use to him being able to spend so much time with Caylee-Mouse and me.

Saturday, he bought me a new car. It's beautiful. It's a black 2010 chevy malibu... I am quite upset with myself because today I closed the garage door on it [STUPID STUPID STUPID] I never thought in a million years I would cry over a car. grrr-hopefully we can make it less noticeable.




So the time is flying buy and April 30th [our PCS report date] is sneaking up real quick. It is hard to believe it is already almost February! I am so ready to be rid of this shit-hole [aka fort campbell] once and for all! Then again I better not say that, our luck they'll send us back. I think I may just die if that were to happen. I am so nervous! We have so much to do, with so little time and neither of us have a freaken clue what to do and let me tell you, the Army is not much help with this stuff. I am also stressing about the probation situation [for those of you who do not know, I got into an altercation with my mom and she called the cops on me- I was arrested and put on probation for 11 months 29 days and have to take 24 [1 a week] BIP classes] I talked to my P.O [probation officer] today about possibly getting the probation dropped early since I never get int trouble and he pretty much immediately told me it's not gonna happen. He even tried to tell me I can't leave for Georgia until my classes are finished [As of now my last class is april 22nd-right before we move] I wish these dumb people would understand we will be homeless. We only have one vehicle and a child, and it is up to me to find a house while Rob is getting his stuff done! I just do not understand why they can't work with me. IT IS DRIVING ME NUTS! I know it will all work out in the end because it always does, but for now im going to be a worry wart.

I started school at the end of december with University of Phoenix. I kind of like it but I have realized just how lazy I really am. I wish I had motivation to get things done in my life but it just all seems a little too overwhelming. I just pray that for once, I don't give up. That I go through and finish. I have never been good with commitment [well except for with my husband]. I hope I can get my butt in gear.

Well I will be writing again soon! Hope you enjoyed! <3

Ashley L.