It has been so long since the last time I blogged. Not sure why that is. Probably a mix of not much to say and the fact that I was so down and out I didn't want to allow anyone to swim in my "toxicity". It's when we're standing on our two feet finally, that life seems to throw a curve ball our way... but in that same instance when we are getting knocked on our asses- we somehow magically stand on our two feet yet again. It amazes me every day that I can be the person I am, flaws and all, and be okay with that. I don't have to settle for less. I don't have to pretend to be something I am not. I have come to terms with the truth--- You're gonna either love me or hate me, there is no in between. I have lived my whole life trying to please every one else but myself and God. It's about time I put that to an end....
The past 7 months or so, I've struggled back and forth with myself. I've constantly been thinking that God isn't giving me another baby-and the only reason I can think that is, is because I've done something so horribly wrong to not deserve the one thing I want most. I've had so many people tell me to stop stressing or to be thankful I have Caylee. I was so bitter, not only with them, but with any and everyone who got pregnant- while every month I peed on a stick just to have my heart stepped on again and again-then start the whole process over. After over 7 months- I have come to terms with things... That God will give me a baby if and when he thinks I am ready. I spend so much time questioning His motives or if I am good enough, that I fail to enjoy my moments with my daughter. It's enough of that. Enough of going weeks not wanting to get out of bet because my heart hurts. It's enough of having to fight the urge to push Rob away because all I want to do is cry and blame him for something he has no control over. IT'S ENOUGH!
Over the past few months, I've learned alot of things:
People are the same everywhere you go. There will always be good people and bad people. People who can't stand you and people who would do anything to help you. I finally get that people have their ways, no matter where in the globe they are.
My daughter is growing way too fast. She's two now and every day she grows a little more and it takes all I have not to just cry and long for that feeling of her kicking around in my belly. I love every second I have with her and even on the worst days, every day with her and Robert are truly perfect- even if other people don't see it that way.
There comes a time in life where you have to stop putting yourself out there, letting people get the chance to know who you really are, letting people see your sunshine. There are just some people out there who are toxic. They will be so miserable with themselves that they will feel the need to make you feel at your lowest. You have to learn your worth and you have to realize that sometimes, people just aren't worth the fight. These people will just use you and abuse you until they get what they want then they'll steal your sunshine and leave you all alone. Sadly, most military wives are like that- but you have to learn it's ok to be alone. It's ok to just have your family because in the world we live in, all most people truly care about is what they can get out of you.
When you walk away from God and you turn your back on him, when you decide to go back to the light- he'll be right their waiting. 3 1/2 long years I left his side. I lost nearly everything and everyone I had loved and yet God gave me Robert and Caylee and he brought my mom and I closer than ever. It took 3 1/2 years to realize that God never went anywhere... he was right here all along waiting on me and loving me despite my imperfections and screw ups. Him, Caylee, Robert, and my Momma are all I'll ever need. If that's all I get, that's fine by me....
You can't help everyone. Sometimes people are going to settle for less than they deserve despite all your warnings and trying to save them... you just have to let it go. People have to learn on their own that some of the things they will do in life are stupid and it would all have been easier had they just put their selfishness aside for a second [trust me this is all learned from experience]...
Death never gets easier but all you can do is pray and remember them and the good they brought in your life. Being angry because they are gone does nothing but eats a hole inside of you and makes you bitter and cold to the world.
Happiness is what you make of it. You can choose to sit back and be bitter at all the things you are lacking, all your faults, and all the screwups you have made in the past- OR- you can sit back and live. Enjoy every little moment. That cool breeze on a windy day. The waves crashing on the shore as the sun sets. That laughter of your child as your tickle her belly. The twinkle in the eye of the man you love most as he tells you he loves you. The thought of having a mom who would never leave your side, even when you've both hurt each other like hell. These are the moments to be thankful for... to praise God for... to cherish and to NEVER EVER FORGET! I think to often we get too wrapped up in the here and now, the drama of everyday life, the competition of trying to be better than what people expect of us... Sometimes enough is enough and you have to live to make yourself happy.
With that being said- God Bless and know that I am thankful for each and every one of you!
Ashley L.
