Tuesday, April 24, 2012
BLOG SWITCH! CHECK FOR DETAILS!
I am making the switch to WP! If you are interested in following me there, please leave a comment with your email or email me at lifeaslucy11@gmail so that I can send you requests!!!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Sneaking up on me again
So prepare for it! I'm going from not blogging in a while to a BAM! sort of post!
I've been so happy lately. Things are going great. My baby boy is growing beautifully! Caylee is getting ready to start pre-k in august. Our dog's heartworms are gone! Rob may not being deploying because they cut numbers. I've been great...
until tonight.
You know I don't like to talk about the things that have happened to me in my past. I try to never use it as a crutch to get through life. I have healed so incredibly much from the pain, the hurt, the loss. Every time I think I have moved on, that I've let the pain and the anger go- something happens and it all comes rushing back.
Tonight it was over talk about a girl I love very much, whom is like my sister, someone who has had a very easy life- who doesn't know heartache aside from a soldier dad and a brother with high functioning autism. She is like a sister to me but sometimes, I despise her. I despise her because she has had it so easy compared to me. I despise her because she has the most amazing parents and yet fails to see. I despise her because she appreciates nothing. I despise her because she will never know what it's like to see what I have. She will never bounce from foster home to foster home and feel like no one in the world wants her. I despise her because she will never ever know what it's like to feel as if you are alone and no one in the world loves you, cares about you or supports you. and I HATE myself because I despise her over something that isn't her fault, something that isn't my fault. I despise her because she got her life and I got mine.
I have an amazing husband and beautiful babies and some of the most amazing "chosen" family a person could ask for. I finally have a relationship with my mom and I have friends who would do absolutely anything for me yet here I sit, my eyes welled up with tears, as they have been for the last 2 hours, because of something I can't change about myself, a past I can't seem to let go of- no matter how hard I try.
I thought I had let go. I could have sworn I was ready to move on, that my scars that had been ripped open so many times before had finally healed and out of no where this arrived. And for years I had this utter annoyance for this sweet lovely girl and until tonight I didn't know why. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I've harbored these feelings for so long and never knew why. Someone who loves me so incredibly much and I hold her at arm's length because I can't stand that she's not known the pain and heartache that I have-how incredibly horrible of a person can I be to feel that way. It's not fair to me that I got stuck with the childhood and teenage years that I had but it's certainly not fair to her that I envy her and feel dislike towards her because of the hands we were dealt. I'm embarassed. I'm angry. I'm confused as to why I can't seem to let it go.
I went to counseling for years. I married a man who gets everything I say and truly tries to make me see better but still I can't seem to move on from it. And I so need to move on from it. I hope I can someday be the person she deserves me to be for her.
I've been so happy lately. Things are going great. My baby boy is growing beautifully! Caylee is getting ready to start pre-k in august. Our dog's heartworms are gone! Rob may not being deploying because they cut numbers. I've been great...
until tonight.
You know I don't like to talk about the things that have happened to me in my past. I try to never use it as a crutch to get through life. I have healed so incredibly much from the pain, the hurt, the loss. Every time I think I have moved on, that I've let the pain and the anger go- something happens and it all comes rushing back.
Tonight it was over talk about a girl I love very much, whom is like my sister, someone who has had a very easy life- who doesn't know heartache aside from a soldier dad and a brother with high functioning autism. She is like a sister to me but sometimes, I despise her. I despise her because she has had it so easy compared to me. I despise her because she has the most amazing parents and yet fails to see. I despise her because she appreciates nothing. I despise her because she will never know what it's like to see what I have. She will never bounce from foster home to foster home and feel like no one in the world wants her. I despise her because she will never ever know what it's like to feel as if you are alone and no one in the world loves you, cares about you or supports you. and I HATE myself because I despise her over something that isn't her fault, something that isn't my fault. I despise her because she got her life and I got mine.
I have an amazing husband and beautiful babies and some of the most amazing "chosen" family a person could ask for. I finally have a relationship with my mom and I have friends who would do absolutely anything for me yet here I sit, my eyes welled up with tears, as they have been for the last 2 hours, because of something I can't change about myself, a past I can't seem to let go of- no matter how hard I try.
I thought I had let go. I could have sworn I was ready to move on, that my scars that had been ripped open so many times before had finally healed and out of no where this arrived. And for years I had this utter annoyance for this sweet lovely girl and until tonight I didn't know why. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I've harbored these feelings for so long and never knew why. Someone who loves me so incredibly much and I hold her at arm's length because I can't stand that she's not known the pain and heartache that I have-how incredibly horrible of a person can I be to feel that way. It's not fair to me that I got stuck with the childhood and teenage years that I had but it's certainly not fair to her that I envy her and feel dislike towards her because of the hands we were dealt. I'm embarassed. I'm angry. I'm confused as to why I can't seem to let it go.
I went to counseling for years. I married a man who gets everything I say and truly tries to make me see better but still I can't seem to move on from it. And I so need to move on from it. I hope I can someday be the person she deserves me to be for her.
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