Pour Your Heart Out- Going a Little Crazy

Today This week I feel c.r.a.z.y. No seriously. I was supposed to start my period today/tomorrow-ish. I've been cramping for FOUR days- FOUR WHOLE DAYS! My boobs hurt, my back hurts, I'm peeing ALOT, I'm discharging like crazy [TMI sorry] i feel flushed all the time & most of all I just feel fucking insane [excuse my language]. I've taken two too many preg. tests to keep count! ALL WITH A BFN!!!

I feel like it's some cruel joke. I feel like I could puke at the anxiousness of this wait. Of needing to know NOW if I have finally gotten my chance to have another baby- FINALLY! If I got pregnant this time, I would only be about 3 weeks now so its waaaaay too early with an at home test. I thought about calling the hospital to get blood work but then if my head and body are just playing tricks on me then I don't want to waste my [or their] time.

I feel literally like I'm losing it. That my mind wants this baby so bad that it's making my damn body play jokes on me. It's happened before [just not with this many signs] where I was TEN WHOLE DAYS late because my body literally was mind-fucked. I'm trying so hard not to think about it but it's ALL I think about. When I eat, when i'm playing with caylee, or snuggling with rob, or talking with my friends- it's eating my brain for the past week and I feel like I need a damn psych ward. I feel like I'm the only person who goes this psycho over a BFP [although I'm sure that's not really the case]. I don't know what to think- if I'm really FINALLY pregnant or if I'm just crazy. My gosh I hope I have the strength to get through til at least monday and I am praying for the first time in MONTHS - yes I said it PRAYING- that I finally get my positive. Oh god, I don't know how I am going to handle this if I'm getting all these symptoms and it's all in my head. I just don't know. My God- I just don't know.