Pour Your Heart Out

My first edition of pour your heart out sponsored by Shell at "Things I Can't Say"

Ever since I left Louisiana in 2005, I've kind of had a set plan for myself. I wanted to go to college, get my degree while being in the military, fall in love, then have a family. I went through a long list of trials and tribulations in between 2005 and 2007 [when I met my husband], things I never thought I could survive. Issues with my mom, the abuse, leaving the place I had lived in my whole life to go to kentucky to live with my aunt, getting put in foster care, getting moved to multiple foster homes and a group home because I was a "lost cause", the "love of my life" being sent to prison for murdering someone, my daddy dying, getting expelled from my high school, being raped-all just to name a few. I never thought I could be strong enough to get through those things.

I came out alive, met a wonderful man and of course my whole life plan changed but in an amazing way.

Since I was a child, I always said I wanted a big family [well for me that would be about 2 or 3 kids since I was an only child]. All i ever wanted was to work with children, have children and take care of my family. Rob and I got married November 1, 2007 and on December 17th, 2007, we got the beautiful news [and quite unexpected news] that we were expecting our first beautiful baby. We never planned on getting pregnant so soon but were ecstatic to have something, a part of both us, that we could devote our lives and selves to. I never in my life expected to be where I am now.

Although we weren't planning on it happening so soon, I got pregnant "trying". We never used protection and often talked about how much it would change our lives in a good way to have a child. It has been 2 years since I gave birth to our beautiful daughter and while I am so beyond words in the love I feel for her, and the amount I cherish her, I still feel this ache down to my soul for another baby. We started trying when Robert got back from Iraq, it will be a year December 21 that he has been home.

I try to be happy for my friends who are finding out they are pregnant but it's just not there. I literally get sick to my stomach and end up with a headache from the pain I feel in my heart. Some people have just been awful about it, saying I don't love my daughter because I'm not "happy" with just her, that I'm ungrateful--- well that's not the case. My daughter is EVERYTHING TO ME! However, that doesn't mean I don't deserve, she doesn't deserve, to have a brother or sister. I can't imagine my life without her so why can't for once in my life I be allowed to be "selfish" and want another beautiful blessing? Why does wanting to give my whole life to my children have to be so hard for some people to understand.

Every month, I go through it over and over again. Of course I don't think about it during sex, but once it's time for mother nature to make her appearance, I instantly feel sick. The constant pregnancy tests and wondering "is this is?". The secret disgust I feel at myself. The comments people make when all I want is a "I am here if you need". I can't even talk to anyone about it, not even my mom- I just get instantly pissed off when someone says "be patient"- I've been patient for a year while watching everyone else [some not even wanting it] get the one thing in life I want. I get tired of hearing "Be thankful you have one child" or "It'll happen when God's read" or "It'll happen when you stop trying". Why can't people just have a little empathy. My husband and I hurt from this but no one seems to understand how we both feel.

I just don't know where to start or what to do. I know that while I am fine for a while, there isn't much more time before I fall into a deep hole. Every month, my heart breaks a little more and makes me feel like I am useless. Why, after all I have gone through, must life continue to be unfair. Why can some people have it so easy- be so blessed but me and so many others are cursed to carry all that pain, and continue to be "punished". Every month, I find it a little harder to believe there could be a God so heartless...

I don't want pity, I just want understanding. This should be a cake walk for me and for some reason it is the hardest thing I have had to go through yet. My heart breaks for anyone who has had to experience this or even worse, never be able to have a chile [or another one]. It is an unbearable heartache and takes such a toll on everyone around.