I feel like sometimes I give my all to people and all they ever do is take. I have a hard time making friends because I don't open up fully to many people and I don't allow people to get close- I usually push them away before they get the chance to hurt me. Here lately, I feel like I'm there for everyone, I support everyone but in turn I don't have anyone's support or anyone to actually have my back. I feel unappreciated by my daughter [yes crazy I know seeing that she's only two] I feel unappreciated by my friends, and I feel unappreciated by my husband...
When Rob and I were dating, he went out of his way to make sure I felt loved. He bought me flowers and he told me all the time that I was beautiful. He made me laugh and took me out on dates all the time. I know that things were inevitably going to change but I feel like they've changed so drastically. Don't get me wrong, he's probably still on the top of the list for BEST HUSBAND IN EXISTENCE but I just feel like nothing I do is ever enough. I have to literally pout to get compliments or flowers or a date. Speaking of date- I can't remember the last time we had one. I feel like I have to fight to keep our spark yet he doesn't really try.
I know I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional and moody and a typical woman but I want the Rob I had when he was in Iraq. He had a star named after me. He sent me flowers nearly every month. He wrote me love letters and told me every single day, even when he didn't see me, that I was the most beautiful woman in the world.
I feel like because he has me now, he feels like he doesn't have to try to keep me. I feel like he sees me as his and he doesn't have to still treat me how a woman needs to be treated. I crave that affection from him and I just feel like it's not existent unless it's him groping me or trying to have sex with me. I know he sees me as more than that but here lately this is how I've been feeling. He used to be so romantic and I feel kind of bored in our relationship. I miss the spontaneity. I miss the adventures. I'm 21 years old- I shouldn't feel like I'm 40. We've only been married 3 1/2 years but I feel like our spark is dying out. He's still the man of my dreams. I'm still madly in love with him but I feel like he doesn't really SEE me.
As far as friends. I feel like I give my all to certain people. I listen to all their life issues and I am always there to give advice and what not but when I feel like my world is crumbling, all I can get is an "I'm sorry it's happening to you" That's not what I want. I want them to yell and scream with me, to know the pain I feel. To hug and cry with me. To be angry at the world for hurting someone they love- just like I am with them. I feel like whenever I am faced with a hard time, I am pretty much in it alone. I have amazing friends but I feel like they don't truly value me.
With my family, well my foster parents don't even call me anymore. I haven't talked to them since I took the big trip in February aside from a fight I got into with my foster dad. I feel like they say they see me as their daughter but then they don't treat me like one. It shouldn't just be my responsibility to call. With my real mom, I just feel like she doesn't see all that I have done for her. I feel like I can never do good enough in her eyes. That I'm always making wrong decisions. I guess the same kind of goes for my aunt too.
I know I know. I'm being utterly ridiculous. I'm probably over-analyzing everything and being a brat but this is how I feel. I don't know how to handle it or what to do but I know that I don't like feeling like I am just not good enough. It's not a good feeling.
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6 comments:
I am sorry lady! I am glad you have some bloggy friends and I hope things start to look up! You deserve the best
I am sorry to hear about your frustration.
With your husband, well it is a horrible reality. Guys get complacent. I hear about it all the time. My husband and I have only been married for 7 months, but I can feel it already. I just remind him all the time that I love him, and he does the same. And there are times where I tell him that I need to feel more of a connections, and we will go on a date or something. The best thing you can do is communicate with him. Tell him how you feel. I am sure your husband has NO idea that he is doing anything to effect your feelings. That's just the way they are.
Same goes for friends. Let them know how you fee. I choose to pick my battles and take people for who they are. So if I have a friend that doesn't treat me the way I treat them, then I just know that that person may not be the friend I want to talk to about certain issues. Or if this is a really close friend, they should be able to hear you out if you need them too. Just let them know how you feel.
Plus with this blog, and me as a follower, I am always here to listen and give support.
Keep your head up girlie. Like you said, you are 21!! Put a smile on that pretty face :)
http://ttcandcookin.blogspot.com/2011/04/yay-me.html
You've got an award.
Tell Rob he IS taking you on a Date THIS weekend. I'll watch Caylee, and you guys WILL have a good time!
No excuses (unless there is a ceremony of course! ;))
Don't feel like you are being bratty or over-analyzing. You need to vent your feelings. It is not good to let them sit bottled up.
I know what you mean about friends. I have a couple of "friends" that I feel the same way about. I too don't let people get to close because of fear. I know that is not good all the time but I can't help it.
Keep your head up and know that we are all here for you :)
I'm not married but all my relationships have been long-term so I feel like everyone goes through the loss-of-spontaneity thing.Tell that man to step it up!!!! Ashley Lucente deserves flowers and compliments every day!
I understand the underappreciated thing completley. Sometimes, (as far as family goes) I feel like distance plays a huge role. It's hard to be close with people we live far away from ya know what I mean.
And as far as the friend thing goes, you know my line is always open missy and I am on facebook just as much as you =P If I didn't live 678257816589165891659816 miles away, I would definitely be there for hugs and let you just yell it all out while I listen. (I have a big stuffed dog that makes a great punching bag as well lol) You've always given me such great advice and are always there to straighten my ass out when I go stupid and I do feel like I could show you how much I appreciate that more. If you need skype dates every week or two or month or whatever, I would be totally down with that. It isn't the same as in person but it's the best face to face talking I can provide.
You are a great person Ash and feeling this way is not wrong at all. You can't help how you feel, love.
Let me know if you need ANYTHING! I am always here for a good "bitch-fest." Love you!!
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