Stupid Baby Fever [UPDATE]

I just want to start off by saying thank you to all those who left comments or privately emailed me about my first post. It was very heat of the moment and a very hard thing to talk about, especially with it dealing with my marriage. Rob and I have spent the past few days talking about a lot of things dealing with this subject and in the end I now know that he hurts just as much as I do about this baby situation but he just doesn't express it the way that I do.

Among things we've talked about, is the fact that our obsession with adding to our family is taking away from Caylee- our number one priority right now. The constant sadness this is beginning to bring me is just not fair to my daughter, or Robert for that matter. I have to learn that sometimes, things just aren't meant to happen when we want them.

I can say that this situation has taught me many things- one, I do not necessarily believe in a "God" anymore [please no negative comments] but I am okay with that. I know that things aren't always going to be good and that it's not "God" I need to look to for answers or strength, it's myself, my husband, and my daughter that I need to look to- they are constant and they are always there and I can prove that.

Another thing I can say I have learned is that I now know that I need to learn to let go. Let go of my selfishness and my wants and focus on what is best for my family, even if that means I have to be patient with the baby thing. This is going to take time- and even though it's been over a year already, I am only 21- Rob is only 23- We have many more years to make this happen.

With Rob being in the army, we are blessed to have great insurance, this way we can get testing done and figure out where to start. If this takes another 6 months or 3 years, that's okay- because it's what is meant to be. If I end up never having another child, I would be sad but at least I can say that I was blessed with the most perfect child to start with.

It is going to be hard to not hurt when I see yet another person who isn't necessarily deserving of such a blessing, or even those who are deserving- but I know that one day it will be my turn again. I have to let go of the pain for a while and try and realize that this is something in my life WE CANT CONTROL!

I think maybe that's a big issue for me, another thing I have no say in. All I wanted was my babies close together- to complete my family before I got too old- maybe that's more of a hardship for me than actually not having a baby right now, knowing that I'm helpless to this situation.

I plan on making an appointment when I am home, because if there is a problem with either Rob or myself, we need to know. It will possibly be a long road but until we get this, I will have to try to be patient and stop this pain from getting the best of me, from taking me from my husband and daughter.

Thanks to all of you who have proved to be true friends in this struggle. I know I have not been the easiest person to deal with while I have been going through this heartache. I am so blessed to have the wonderful husband, family and friends that I have because you all have proved that you TRULY love and support me! I am grateful to have you all to count on on this long walk! I love you guys!