Dear You

Dear You,

It has been over 6 long years that you've had your claws in me, you've had the power of infiltrating my thoughts. It's been 6 years that I've blamed myself for all of your actions, that I've played the guilt in my mind over and over and over again. I had a photo challenge the other day, and it said I had to pick someone I wish I could forget, and of course you were the first person to come to mind. I always considered you my first love, but now I know you were nothing but my first disease. I was in love with the idea of being able to save you, of making a man out of you- sick I know but I didn't realize that was the case till now. You were broken, I was broken- We were just one big jumble of broken-ness. I thought I could save you and I thought that you might be able to save me too. But boy was I wrong. You were nothing but an ailment. You played sick, twisted games with my head for years- and in a way, you still have that power over me. All these years later, I still blame myself for you actions, for you choosing to commit murder. I still blame myself because I left you- I needed to save myself and now your face haunts me because I blame myself. I don't love you anymore, I in fact HATE YOU- EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! All the words you spoke to me, all the ways you went out of your way to hurt me, the fact that you could KILL someone and then play like YOU are the victim! I hate that you took the last bit of innocence I had left- I hate that I let you. I hate that even after I met my husband and was married, you thought you still had a chance--- that I'd come running to you to raise my daughter--- THE AUDACITY for you to think such a thing. I hate that you can be so ruthless, you can threaten my life- my family and that I can be stupid enough to worry about what is happening to you while you are in prison. Maybe it's because you were there when I had nothing left, such a sick relationship we had. I was too good for you, and I hate that I didn't see that 6 years ago... but you know, I was a kid- young and stupid and so very DESPERATE for someone to love me, that I settled for you. I gave my whole self to you- something I will forever regret. What girl wants to remember her first love, the guy who took her innocence, as a damn murderer.... You ruined so much of my life, you are why I left Louisiana, why my aunt didn't want me to live with her anymore, why I fought with my foster parents, why I lost the girl I thought was my best friend... but hey- maybe you were a blessing in disguise. If the saying that everything happens for a reason is true, than you are that everything and my amazing husband is my reason.

Having him, I have realized everything you are not. You will never be a millionth of the man he is. He doesn't lie to me, cheat on me, downgrade me, make me do things I would never normally do. He loves me so much and would do ANYTHING to make me happy- he's never selfish and never makes things about HIMSELF. He's a wonderful husband and the best father I could have ever hoped for for my children! I am so thankful life took me where I am because Lord only knows I probably wouldn't be here had it not been for you....

In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is my goodbye letter. I'm ripping your claws out. I'm kicking you out of my head, my life. I refuse to have any more nightmares about you, of me trying to save you from your mistakes. IT WASNT MY FAULT! and I have finally come to terms with that. I have lived for 6 years wondering if me not being selfish and staying there would have saved you... but I know that had I not been selfish- I'd have died. I know it.

So Goodbye to you, to my past, you are the last piece that I needed to let go of. and today is my day to do just that. You won't be able to haunt my dreams anymore. I've burned every letter, every single item you ever touched. I'll change the radio station when I hear something that makes me think of you, I'll erase every memory from my brain. I hate you like I've never hated any other... I want you gone for good... You're the last broken piece of myself and it's time to pick of my pieces and realize you were nothing but a temporary piece of the puzzle to the bigger picture. May you rot in prison where you belong and think of all you've done to me and know that this is someone you will NEVER have control over again...


With Deepest Hate,
Ashley