I'll Get This Right

Well today is officially my last day of school for a while. I turned in my finals and will know by the end of the week what my final grades are. Done- till December/possibly January! Much needed! I've been going non-stop with not so much as a day off since last December. I'm spent.

So I cut my hair this week. I took about an inch and a half off and got my bangs back again- next step- I think I'm dying it back burgundy. We shall see. I have this weird OCD with my hair. I've gone from long to short to long again, from blonde to black to brown to blonde back to brown. It's every changing lol. I guess it makes me feel good to always change things up. I know it must drive Rob crazy though! But he tells me all the time it's what makes him love me more. I guess it's a little something for me that I get to do. I'm always so consumed with doing for Caylee and Rob, that I really don't do much for myself and then I end up angry over it...

Speaking of love. We had a fun little picture session the other night. You know, on November 1st marks our 3 year wedding anniversary. It seems like just yesterday. He drives me mad sometimes and makes me want to rip my hair out. I mean just a few hours after this picture we had an argument about him doing something stupid. I swear even when I want to kill him, I can't help but want to kiss him at the same time. He's my best friend in the entire world. I know this is all sappy and gross but seriously, he's been my rock since day one- from the bad foster home, to the bad relationship with my mom, to the bad friends... he's been through it all. Through my crazy mood swings and my depression. He's helped me to conquer it all. Sometimes I guess I wonder what I did to deserve him, because honestly I don't think I do. Just in my last blog, I talked about how much of a control freak I am- but that's not all. In a lot of ways, I am just like my mother. 


I remember growing up and hearing the way she talked to my step dad, like he was nothing, like he wasn't even a man. All to often, I catch myself doing the exact same thing to Rob and it's not fair. In our argument last night, he started crying and he told me that I never say sorry. I just say hurtful things to him when I'm angry and never apologize. He always tells me he's sorry. He's never said bad things to me- he doesn't call me a bitch. He doesn't talk down to me or call me a bad wife, even though sometimes I probably deserve that title... It broke my heart to watch him sit there and shed a tear because of the hurt I have caused him and I am always too absorbed in my own self-pity to notice his pain. It's true... I'm so hard on myself and I'm so hard on him. We had a rocky start and since then he's more than earned my trust, but I haven't even given him an inch. I feel like I have to control every aspect. I feel like I have to have the power and because of my childhood, he doesn't say anything to me, because he knows that the slightest hurtful word can send me into a downward spiral. THAT'S A MAN! I've been doing so much self evaluation lately and I'm probably an idiot for blogging about it but you know what. I'm proud of myself. I am proud to have a husband who is willing to take me as I am and help me to become a better person. I know what my flaws are and now I need to work on fixing ME, we need to work on it. And I could not have anyone more perfect along side of me. I am one lucky lady and maybe I should take more time to let him know just how lucky I am to have him because he surely is the best husband in the world.