I always knew I was different. My whole life I knew I wasn't like my friends. My mother was a mess, always going from happy to angry to sad. My grandmother was the same. I didn't live a "normal" childhood. There is nothing normal about your mother packing the entire house away of your pictures and saying she was going to throw them in the trash when your 9 years old, then a few days later telling you are the best kid in the world. There is nothing normal about your mom randomly flipping out in public and not ever really having a reason as to why. It is just not normal.
I always had trouble with friends. From as long as I can remember- as early as my early elementary days- I was all over the place. I'd be perfectly happy then depressed and crying. Early childhood bipolar is rare- where I'm from things like this aren't "diagnosed"- we don't get on medicine. We don't go see doctors. No one wants to be "labeled".
I've had times where I have been more stable than others. I have flipped out completely, trashed my house, attempted suicide. I have struggled mostly with depression, sometimes rage... not very often happiness...
Think of it like this, you're having dinner and you feel amazing. The food is delicious and you're perfectly full- but you decide to take that one bite of dessert and you feel sick to your stomach. That's about how long my happiness phases last without medication. Mostly I'm sad and crying... every so often I'm just pissed off.
I was originally diagnosed with Bipolar and PTSD when I was 15. Let's face it, my family wasn't very stable and I had traumatic things happen to me. It doesn't define me. It has affected me, It has caused me to lose people in my life- none of which knew I was actually diagnosed. I tried for most of my life to go without medication. When I did try medication it made me feel out of control. Dozens were tried and dozens failed to make me "normal".
About 6 months ago [around the time Rob left], I went ahead and decided to go back to a Psychiatrist after many many years of no medications [and many ups and downs in those years]. He's wonderful. He really listens. About a month or so ago, I was put on abilify in correspondance with my Fibro med/antidepressant - Effexor. I am the happiest I have ever been. I feel balanced and stable. I feel like a normal, functioning adult. For me to come out and blog about this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I'm embarassed about this diagnosis- I feel as though people won't want to be my friend, or allow themselves to love me because of it. It hurts to hear people joke about people having bipolar and silently thinking "I really do have bipolar, and no it's not like what you are describing... and no that person isn't bipolar... and no I AM NOT CRAZY" - I just want people to understand me, to see past it, to not judge, and to love me regardless. Bipolar disorder does not define who I am as a person. and on medication, I am just as normal as you are.
I hope I won't regret this post. This by far is the most I've ever opened up about it. I am not proud, I am not looking for pity- just understanding. I want to be normal and maybe when I accept it completely, I can be.
6 comments:
Im so proud of you! And thanks to you sweetie im not ashamed to tell people I have it either. Its a serious condition. I wish more people were as open as you. I love you beyond words and your the strongest and purest heart ive ever met. And I wish more people could understand what its like growing up the way we did. But never be asha, ed honey. And a big thanks to you that im not. And im more open to it. You will help more people than you know honey. Keep doing what you do. Im your best friend, soulmate, and sister always.
You're amazing for being brave enough to open yourself up this way. It's real posts like this that remind me why I started reading blogs in the first place. The world isnt perfect, we aren't either and that's definitely a-ok.
You being happy is all that matters and I'm so glad you're at that point. Enjoy every second of it!
Never be ashamed. It is a battle. :) Best of luck to you.
There is nothing to regret in this post. More people need to talk about mental illness. My best friend is bipolar and I know it helps her to know there are other people out there going through what she lives with.
I am impressed by your honesty and openness in this post. I went to high school with a girl with struggled with bipolar disorder and so many of our classmates brushed her off as "crazy" rather than reaching out to her. I chose instead to be her friend and help her through.
Today she, like you, is happy, successful, and feeling like herself. She always says that if we hadn't stepped in back then, she would have never made it to today.
I am glad you have a support system to help you in the same way!
Such a brave post. I hope you find nothing but love and acceptance- and people who can relate. xo
Post a Comment