I wish I could understand why I have everything I have ever dreamed of- an amazing man who does EVERYTHING to make me happy, a PERFECT little girl who is the light of my life and truly does make me happy, family that loves me, friends I can count on, a house I can call my own, no debt... yet it's not enough... I still feel this overwhelming sadness, I just want to cry all the time.
It's been getting worse and worse. It started in July I suppose. I've just been kind of brushing it to the side, trying to deal with things on my own and praying they would just get better and I would stop feeling this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Tonight, I was watching the CMA's curled up on the couch with Robert as Lady Antebellum sang "Hello World" and I just sat there crying and crying till I could really had nothing left to let out. One part of the song, he says,
"Sometimes I forget what living's for, And i hear my life through my front door, and I'll be there, oh I'm home again. I See my wife, little boy, little girl, Hello World -Hello World All the empty disappears I remember why I'm here Just surrender and believe I fall down on my knees Oh Hello World, Hello World, Hello World"
As I sat there listening to the words to this song for the millionth time, I wondered how I could ever take my life for granted. I cried knowing that for once, my genetics have defeated me. I have been on this uphill battle my whole life, trying to defy who I am, to break away from what my grandmother and mother were. To be that happy person who always has the smile on their face. The more I replayed this song in my head, the more disgusted I got with myself, especially over the person I have become- this overbearing negative person who just sees the ugly in everything. I have let depression and my fear of being like my grandmother and mother turn me into just that. I have lost control of myself and my emotions. I want to be that happy go lucky girl who doesn't carry the weight of the world on her shoulders but I am just scared.... I don't know where to start. My biggest fear is being medicated. My biggest fear is being judged. I guess those fears become smaller when I see the toll it's taking on me, and the laughter and joy it's taking away from me watching my daughter grow.
So what is the next step. Do I overcome my fears and go see a doctor? Is this something only more time can heal? This has been a battle for me for years... my demons and skeletons just won't let me be, so how do I let go. How do I be happy for my husband and daughter? I guess now comes a time for much self-evaluation and decision making.
8 comments:
no shame in going to see a therapist. none at all. :)
You know I've been fighting a similar battle, and when we are defeated by something like this, we have to reach out for help. You don't have to stress about being on meds, you can find a doctor, who is willing to help you cope I guess is the right word, and be okay.
You know I'm here for whatever you need, even if you need to cry because of something like this.
You'll find the path that best suits you, and is comfortable for you, and you will be in control of it.
Love You!
I think you have to figure out what to do on your own but I'll be thinking of you.
Awe Ashley I just wanna give you a great big hug! Don't worry, your gonna make it... I know how you feel, Ive been there myself... It took alot to over come my past but I did and you will too. Whatever you decide I will be right here for you cheering you on. You are amazing... NEVER forget that. :)
You know I'm always here for you dear.
I love you! You're strong and I know you'll get through this.
This hit home with me. It made my heart feel so tight, because many things you wrote are exactly how I feel... things I hate myself for. Although I hate that your dealing with this, it makes me feel a little less alone, knowing someone out there understands how I feel.
Im a wife of a soldier in Georgia too btw :)
Megan, we need to find each other on Facebook =]
You get that from both sides of your family. Hey I was looking for you on Facebook, I have some baby photos of you.
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